When Words Fail

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy
and keep choosing it every day!" (Henri J.M. Nouwen)

This last Monday, I submitted my resignation to the institution where I re-forged my identity. Its been one week and two days since I signed my name to the paper that would release me from the safe-haven where I have grown into the woman I am today.

As a student, I found comfort surrounded by stacks of textbooks in the corner office and struggled unsuccessfully through Hawaiian language homework while curled on koa pews. I listened to the Aunties weave stories of years gone by and sat at their knees with my mouth closed and my ears open. On those quiet Sunday mornings after service, the empty sanctuary felt just like home to me. I used to sneak onto the altar during the weekday afternoons and belt out His Eye is on the Sparrow when the church was dark and silent. It always felt like God heard my song echoing straight to heaven, and that was a balm to my heart like no other.

The tears that I’ve cried in these offices have stained the worn carpeted floors and antique upholstery. In the past three and a half years I’ve made my mark on these halls. I walk through the empty rooms and only silence echoes. I can feel the foundation of the very church crying with me.

The stones weep.

I want to duct tape myself to the front doors with chains and barbed wire and rage against the machine. But there is no one left to rail against. But God.

In one fell swoop the ground was swept out from under me and I lost my footing. Everything that oriented the compass of my heart has been demagnetized. I am completely unmoored.

But even amidst the grief that is washing over me, there is still the joy that my God has not forsaken me. That my family is still walking beside me despite the challenges. That my friends have taken to holding me up in the moments when I don’t want to go on. That the joy of my salvation is still secure, and that no one can ever take that away from me. That even amidst all of the trials and tribulations, the Enemy couldn’t fully eradicate my pride, and my self-worth, although the latter is slightly in pieces.

The time has come for me to step out into the world and decide anew what kind of person I want to be. Have you ever forgotten that we can do that anytime we want? That we as individuals can CHOOSE to be righteous amidst trial, can choose to speak life giving words, can choose to forgive. I’m through letting others dictate how they get to make me feel. Only I have the power to decide the direction of my identity. And I’m excited!

I haven’t blogged in two weeks (going on three), not because I haven’t had anything to say… but because I’ve had far too much to say, and none of it appropriate for public consumption. For the first time in my life I feel free. Its been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to write joyfully, and an even longer time since I’ve had the hours in the day to sit in Starbucks or crammed into a library nook agonizing over the perfection of a page.

Hello April! I dedicate the entirety of my creative juices to you this month. I have chosen to declare that this transition will be a blessing. While I pray for the job that I have left behind and send up prayers for the new job that God has for me in the near future, I plan to live in the JOY of the Lord every single day.

This is the month of Easter, the month where I get to shout from the rooftops, “He Is Risen!” and the angels shout back, “He Is Risen Indeed!” The month where I get to give thanks for the people I love, who chase away loneliness in my life. (Thanks guys!!) And sing songs of praise 24/7! Whooo hoooo!

But in this journey, I’ve learned at least one new lesson that I can share with all of you. When too many people are speaking words of advice into your life, it’s easy to forget the sound of your own voice. Dear ones, take the time to sit with yourself and honor the voice that is in your own head. Allow yourself to feel anger, pain, sadness and joy, and know that you are perfectly normal to grieve over change. Don’t diminish your own feelings because of the expectations of others. Honor yourself for choosing life, and do it daily.

For a girl who lives her life exalting in the power of words, it was eye opening to realize that sometimes, words fail. Sometimes the righteous are not victorious, sometimes standing up to evil means simply taking back what is yours and leaving the rest behind. After weeks of drowning in the flood, morning has broken and my spirit has resurfaced. In the words of Darrell Evans, “I’m trading my sorrow, I’m trading my shame, and I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord.” Beloved, I wish all of you the same!

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“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

24 Years of Blowing Out Birthday Candles

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

On Sunday, February 9, 2014, surrounded by friends and family, I clenched my eyes shut, braced my hands against the table, and blew out 25 birthday candles with a single breath. Whoo hooo! An amazing feat indeed! However, although I may have been celebrating 24 years of life, in retrospect I feel as though I am celebrating so much more than that.

Second chances are kind of funny, because you can never plan for them. If you are fortunate enough to receive the opportunity for a do-over, you really won’t know it until it arrives on your doorstep demanding attention. There was a time in my life within the past 24 years when I didn’t think that I would ever celebrate another birthday.

You may not know this about me… But I know what it feels like to cry myself sick on a bathroom floor. I’ve wept with shaking hands clenched tightly around my heart and begged for the infernal muscle to stop beating so my unending pain would finally cease. I know how it feels to think yourself to be so empty that you wander around looking for trouble before it can find you and then pray to God that it will overtake you once it does. Beloved, I know it may be hard to believe, but I’ve been there, trapped in my own pain. And if you are living and breathing, well there’s a good chance that at some point in your life you’ve been there too.

To me, the real miracle is not the pain that we are capable of feeling, or the unspeakable horrors that some of us have experienced on this side of heaven. Dear ones, the miracle is in the way we live again after we have lost a part of ourselves. I know what it feels like to finally find peace and forgiveness after a long, enduring, too-terrible-to-ever-speak-of, trauma. And not the kind of peace that you find at the bottom of a bottle (No thank you to 7-11 for selling White Zinfandel for $2.99 on Thursdays), or at the end of a cigarette butt. Believe me, I’ve tried drowning my sorrows in cheap liquor until I was dizzy with it, but heartache won’t wash off your cheeks the next morning in the bathroom sink like tear-smeared eyeliner. Until you understand what it means to be loved UNCONDITIONALLY, you will always be left wanting.

Living again means embracing all the parts of yourself that you’ve tried to destroy, recognizing where you have made mistakes, taking responsibility for words you’ve said, or didn’t say, and acknowledging that whatever burden you are struggling to carry, you are not capable of carrying it alone. This takes courage.

I’ve written before that I never thought I would ever call myself a Christian, never preach the gospel or minister to those whose hearts have been shattered like mine. But that was before I received a second chance at living. Today I wanted to write a happy blog post about the deep gratitude that I felt for the happy birthday salutations I received and the happy celebrations that I experienced in the past few days, but these weren’t the words that come out of me.

Instead my pen wants to sing to you about  peace.  Friends, our struggles make our triumphs taste even sweeter, because we understand what it feels like to be without hope. But it’s the days after our happiest moments when the Enemy attacks our hearts and reminds us of the times when we dwelled in darkness. Don’t fall for it. He’s sly because he not only sees the fault lines on our soul, but he also delights in hammering them until our old wounds ache and we begin to turn our backs to fear and run terrified into the darkness.

You don’t have to hide anymore. I serve a God who says, “²⁸Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28, 30). Even now, knowing that being able to celebrate 24 years of my life is a miracle, my heart still twinges from old scars. But the only way to fight back is to fight fear by focusing on what I have gained.

On Sunday I was reminded of all the ways in which I have been blessed by God. When I get on my knees and open my heart to Him I think of the outpouring of love that I received from my family and friends. This freely-offered, genuinely-delivered, no-holds-barred love washes over me and erases any doubt that my life has meant something, that me taking another breath has the potential to save someone else, that I am alive for a purpose.

And so are you.

Friends, superstition tells us that if we blow out all of our birthday candles in one breath and make a wish, then our wish will come true. Let me tell you a secret: My wish has already come true. This year, surrounded by an overflow of love, when I closed my eyes and took a breath to blow out those 25 candles (one for good luck), I said a silent prayer to God for all of you. Instead of wishing for a trip to Europe, losing 15 lbs at the gym, or the fulfillment of my other foolish New Years Resolutions, I thanked God for second chances. I thanked God for the way “we love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). I thanked God for blessing me with wonderful people in my life who remind me every day that I am strong and smart and beautiful and worth loving (no matter what doubts the enemy chooses to send in my direction). I thanked God for YOU. Each and every one of you have changed my life for the better and I just wanted to let you know how deeply grateful I am. Thank you.

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“May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” (2 Thessalonians 3:16)