Surrendering the Key

"Silence is the sleep that nourishes wisdom." -Sir Francis Bacon

Silence is most certainly golden. I don’t mean gilded in gold, with a pristine lacquer jacket and rusted inner organs. No, I’m talking about pure, 100%, bonafide, 24k gold. The kind of gold that runs for $1159.20 USD per oz (on a good day).

Friends, for an experiment that was supposed to last a total of 21 days (the Wikipedia-guaranteed time minimum for habit-breaking)… I have been silent for 21 days AND four months.

During this extended time of reflection I have laughed more than I can remember laughing in eons, and I have had enough adventures to take me contentedly into 2015.

I learned a different kind of bravery when I single-handedly brought down the house with a moving rendition of Barbara Streisand’s “Don’t Rain on My Parade” and an encore performance of Ella Fitzgerald’s “Summertime.” Red-faced, clammy-handed, and grinning from ear to ear, I took a bow before a ship-full of strangers and laughed, delighted, when the pianist kissed my hand and called me dahhhhling, with just the right amount of accent. It was truly the cruise of a lifetime.

I cultivated quality time with family. Board games, card games, and crossword puzzles, I played them all. The ensuing movie nights, family dinners, sports games, cleaning sprees, impromptu family extravaganzas, time spent with the people I love made all of the silent hours worth it.

Finally, the most important thing that I did during my silent, self-imposed hiatus, was to practice loving myself. I took advantage of the silence and remembered the things that make me a unique and valued individual. I relearned the hopes, the dreams and the deep-dark cries of my heart and for the first time in a long time, I listened.

Silence is indeed golden.

If you are anything like me, you are currently spending too much time spinning tall tales, too much time laughing at the jokes of others, and not enough time making memories of your own. Here is the good news, its not too late to learn the truth. In the words of Lao Tzu, “Silence is a source of great strength.”

Until now, I’ve been caught up in the crazy-wonderful-heartbeat of good-intentions until a few of my quickly spoken words became too bitter to swallow back down. In the past few months of silence I have done MORE. I have loved MORE. I have laughed MORE. And I have lived MORE.

And here is the best update of all…

While I was busy keeping this wicked tongue of mine silent, I turned inward and set myself (and my pen) loose on my greatest adventure to date. For every word that I have deprived you of, my friends, I have given my story two. For every page of travels I have forsaken in silence, I have taken my characters to places of new heights.

The time has come. This year has been a journey to top all journeys, and an adventure to be remembered. I thank you all for the love and support, and the words of encouragement. I am proud to announce that my 1^st novel is nearly complete! In my silence I found the voice I had been missing for a while. My own.

Beloved, place a guard over the cover of your mouth and throw away the key. Give it to your husband, your wife, your significant other, your sister, your brother, your best friend. Or best of all, give it to your God for safe-keeping, and listen, what you hear when you are silent just may surprise you.

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“He who has knowledge uses words with restraint: and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”  (Proverbs 17:27)

24 Years of Blowing Out Birthday Candles

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

On Sunday, February 9, 2014, surrounded by friends and family, I clenched my eyes shut, braced my hands against the table, and blew out 25 birthday candles with a single breath. Whoo hooo! An amazing feat indeed! However, although I may have been celebrating 24 years of life, in retrospect I feel as though I am celebrating so much more than that.

Second chances are kind of funny, because you can never plan for them. If you are fortunate enough to receive the opportunity for a do-over, you really won’t know it until it arrives on your doorstep demanding attention. There was a time in my life within the past 24 years when I didn’t think that I would ever celebrate another birthday.

You may not know this about me… But I know what it feels like to cry myself sick on a bathroom floor. I’ve wept with shaking hands clenched tightly around my heart and begged for the infernal muscle to stop beating so my unending pain would finally cease. I know how it feels to think yourself to be so empty that you wander around looking for trouble before it can find you and then pray to God that it will overtake you once it does. Beloved, I know it may be hard to believe, but I’ve been there, trapped in my own pain. And if you are living and breathing, well there’s a good chance that at some point in your life you’ve been there too.

To me, the real miracle is not the pain that we are capable of feeling, or the unspeakable horrors that some of us have experienced on this side of heaven. Dear ones, the miracle is in the way we live again after we have lost a part of ourselves. I know what it feels like to finally find peace and forgiveness after a long, enduring, too-terrible-to-ever-speak-of, trauma. And not the kind of peace that you find at the bottom of a bottle (No thank you to 7-11 for selling White Zinfandel for $2.99 on Thursdays), or at the end of a cigarette butt. Believe me, I’ve tried drowning my sorrows in cheap liquor until I was dizzy with it, but heartache won’t wash off your cheeks the next morning in the bathroom sink like tear-smeared eyeliner. Until you understand what it means to be loved UNCONDITIONALLY, you will always be left wanting.

Living again means embracing all the parts of yourself that you’ve tried to destroy, recognizing where you have made mistakes, taking responsibility for words you’ve said, or didn’t say, and acknowledging that whatever burden you are struggling to carry, you are not capable of carrying it alone. This takes courage.

I’ve written before that I never thought I would ever call myself a Christian, never preach the gospel or minister to those whose hearts have been shattered like mine. But that was before I received a second chance at living. Today I wanted to write a happy blog post about the deep gratitude that I felt for the happy birthday salutations I received and the happy celebrations that I experienced in the past few days, but these weren’t the words that come out of me.

Instead my pen wants to sing to you about  peace.  Friends, our struggles make our triumphs taste even sweeter, because we understand what it feels like to be without hope. But it’s the days after our happiest moments when the Enemy attacks our hearts and reminds us of the times when we dwelled in darkness. Don’t fall for it. He’s sly because he not only sees the fault lines on our soul, but he also delights in hammering them until our old wounds ache and we begin to turn our backs to fear and run terrified into the darkness.

You don’t have to hide anymore. I serve a God who says, “²⁸Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28, 30). Even now, knowing that being able to celebrate 24 years of my life is a miracle, my heart still twinges from old scars. But the only way to fight back is to fight fear by focusing on what I have gained.

On Sunday I was reminded of all the ways in which I have been blessed by God. When I get on my knees and open my heart to Him I think of the outpouring of love that I received from my family and friends. This freely-offered, genuinely-delivered, no-holds-barred love washes over me and erases any doubt that my life has meant something, that me taking another breath has the potential to save someone else, that I am alive for a purpose.

And so are you.

Friends, superstition tells us that if we blow out all of our birthday candles in one breath and make a wish, then our wish will come true. Let me tell you a secret: My wish has already come true. This year, surrounded by an overflow of love, when I closed my eyes and took a breath to blow out those 25 candles (one for good luck), I said a silent prayer to God for all of you. Instead of wishing for a trip to Europe, losing 15 lbs at the gym, or the fulfillment of my other foolish New Years Resolutions, I thanked God for second chances. I thanked God for the way “we love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). I thanked God for blessing me with wonderful people in my life who remind me every day that I am strong and smart and beautiful and worth loving (no matter what doubts the enemy chooses to send in my direction). I thanked God for YOU. Each and every one of you have changed my life for the better and I just wanted to let you know how deeply grateful I am. Thank you.

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“May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” (2 Thessalonians 3:16)