Surrendering the Key

"Silence is the sleep that nourishes wisdom." -Sir Francis Bacon

Silence is most certainly golden. I don’t mean gilded in gold, with a pristine lacquer jacket and rusted inner organs. No, I’m talking about pure, 100%, bonafide, 24k gold. The kind of gold that runs for $1159.20 USD per oz (on a good day).

Friends, for an experiment that was supposed to last a total of 21 days (the Wikipedia-guaranteed time minimum for habit-breaking)… I have been silent for 21 days AND four months.

During this extended time of reflection I have laughed more than I can remember laughing in eons, and I have had enough adventures to take me contentedly into 2015.

I learned a different kind of bravery when I single-handedly brought down the house with a moving rendition of Barbara Streisand’s “Don’t Rain on My Parade” and an encore performance of Ella Fitzgerald’s “Summertime.” Red-faced, clammy-handed, and grinning from ear to ear, I took a bow before a ship-full of strangers and laughed, delighted, when the pianist kissed my hand and called me dahhhhling, with just the right amount of accent. It was truly the cruise of a lifetime.

I cultivated quality time with family. Board games, card games, and crossword puzzles, I played them all. The ensuing movie nights, family dinners, sports games, cleaning sprees, impromptu family extravaganzas, time spent with the people I love made all of the silent hours worth it.

Finally, the most important thing that I did during my silent, self-imposed hiatus, was to practice loving myself. I took advantage of the silence and remembered the things that make me a unique and valued individual. I relearned the hopes, the dreams and the deep-dark cries of my heart and for the first time in a long time, I listened.

Silence is indeed golden.

If you are anything like me, you are currently spending too much time spinning tall tales, too much time laughing at the jokes of others, and not enough time making memories of your own. Here is the good news, its not too late to learn the truth. In the words of Lao Tzu, “Silence is a source of great strength.”

Until now, I’ve been caught up in the crazy-wonderful-heartbeat of good-intentions until a few of my quickly spoken words became too bitter to swallow back down. In the past few months of silence I have done MORE. I have loved MORE. I have laughed MORE. And I have lived MORE.

And here is the best update of all…

While I was busy keeping this wicked tongue of mine silent, I turned inward and set myself (and my pen) loose on my greatest adventure to date. For every word that I have deprived you of, my friends, I have given my story two. For every page of travels I have forsaken in silence, I have taken my characters to places of new heights.

The time has come. This year has been a journey to top all journeys, and an adventure to be remembered. I thank you all for the love and support, and the words of encouragement. I am proud to announce that my 1^st novel is nearly complete! In my silence I found the voice I had been missing for a while. My own.

Beloved, place a guard over the cover of your mouth and throw away the key. Give it to your husband, your wife, your significant other, your sister, your brother, your best friend. Or best of all, give it to your God for safe-keeping, and listen, what you hear when you are silent just may surprise you.

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“He who has knowledge uses words with restraint: and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”  (Proverbs 17:27)

Speak Life

"If you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life
believing that it is stupid." (Albert Einstein)

As a writer, I tend to memorize scenery in case I ever need to write about it later. I used to taste the world in descriptive sentences and walk around with a thesaurus running on autopilot in my head. Leaves didn’t just shake in the wind, they danced, twisting and turning like circus acrobats. Raindrops didn’t just fall, they shivered down from the sky in silent wet sheets and pooled like glass on sodden concrete. My past English teachers (Hi Mr. O!) used to tell me that I was too far in left field, too out there, and far too dramatic. Some of them even told me that I would never be a “real” writer unless I packed myself back up into the little square box that the rest of the world lived in.

Sometimes I would daydream in class, imagining myself slicing off fingers and toes like Cinderella’s evil step-sisters, attempting unsuccessfully to squeeze into someone else’s glass slipper. Even if I folded myself into piece upon piece upon piece and crawled willingly into the box, the next time I was brave enough to climb into the light I am certain that I would find myself unable to shake out the creases from my paper-thin silhouette. In fact, I might even fade away in that very same box until a curious soul was brave enough to peal back the cardboard. He or she would notice the SOS that I had carved into cold craven corners when I realized that I had lost the will to move up toward the light. Fitting myself into the box of another has never been enough for me, and I doubt it ever will. I vowed long ago that never again would I make myself small, not for anyone. But I did.

I never used to allow myself to believe in all of the negative, belittling words that were released in my direction. Sure, I experienced critique about my writing, but in my eyes, it didn’t matter because I was never writing for anyone else. I was writing for ME. What’s changed? Somewhere along the way I have become the fish that was judged on its ability to climb a tree. I have failed because I was built for the open ocean, and I have been trying to cram myself into that metaphorical box and make myself small. The words of others are killing me slowly and softly... because I let them.

What about my words?

My new 2014 mantra (as many of you know by now), is embracing self acceptance. As I push myself to pen page upon page of fiction I can see my novel grow to completion, but I am growing also. I want to inspire in others the confidence to be whoever they were created to be! I want to be completely unapologetic about the truth that I serve up on this not-so-silver platter.

And most importantly,

I want my words to mean something. Even if I end up with only two followers (Hi Mo!), I’ve decided that writing means more to me than pretty fonts and fancy layouts. I don’t want to sugarcoat life, I want to celebrate it in all of its ups and downs and roadblocks! To me writing is a way to honor all of those people in my life who have paved my streets with gold, even when I didn’t think there was anything golden left for me.

Now is the time for battle. The only way to fight those evil words that root their way into our hearts and crouch there waiting for momentary weakness is to fight back. Speak words of LIFE. Not only to yourself, but also to the people around you.

My friend Daphne is a beautiful woman, but it’s her heart that I appreciate most of all. She works in an office that caters to people of all shapes and sizes and welcomes those from each and every walk of life. Not a day goes by when she doesn’t greet visitors with a smile and a “Hey Beautiful,” “Hi pretty lady,” or a “How are you lovely?” Wow, you should see the way peoples faces light up! Daphne’s words of life cut past the negativity over what we see in the mirror and identifies the beautiful state of our hearts. Can you imagine living through an entire day without receiving a single word of kindness? 

Christian singer and songwriter TobyMac recently released a song called, “Speak Life.” The lyrics say it all, “Though it’s crazy, amazing. We can turn a heart with the words we say. Mountains crumble with every syllable. Hope can live or die.” Beloved, you and I have the power to change hearts with a simple word of kindness. Don’t forget to honor yourself with life-giving words, and take the time to recognize the gifts of others. Think about the words you speak before you say them, and lift-up those around you with words of hope, inspiration, beauty and love. In the word there is LIFE, and in the word there is DEATH.

Let's Speak Life instead.

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“For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matthew 12:37)

The Language of Friendship

"Every artist dips his brush into his own soul, and paints
his own nature into his pictures." (Henry Ward Beecher)

I have FINALLY finished a painting! After approximately fourteen years I have completed the painting that I have struggled to complete since the day we found out that I was skilled with a paintbrush. This painting (see left) is not my usual sunrise, sunset, palm-tree extravaganza and it doesn’t have the reds, pinks, oranges, and yellows that I love. But I feel accomplished because my best friend and sister is now the proud recipient of this 2014 Kanani original.

I’ve done a lot of paintings over the course of my lifetime. The first painting I ever sold was for the overwhelming fee of $100.00, as a freshman in High School. I can’t say that the commission I generated was quite worth the expense at the time, but I was never prouder than the moment when I exchanged that twine-wrapped canvas for five crisp twenties. Thank you Mr. C for being my very first patron! In retrospect, it was my first lesson on the value of hard work, and I’ve never forgotten it!

But back to Katie... Katie has been with me since the very beginning. We met at a Pokemon trading card session (remember those?) where each of us attempted to swindle the other in a trade, and from 4^th grade forward we were best friends. There is a tennis picture floating around somewhere (although we both try to deny it), and this snapshot of our childhood pretty much sums up our relationship in a nutshell. Katie and her high-waisted, belted uniform shorts and tucked in shirt stands next to me beaming while she holds her racquet with pride. I am sporting bright red coke-bottle glasses, braces, a pleated skirt that nearly extends to my ankles and high-cut athletic socks, and the smile on my face is equally wide. I smile every single time this photo reappears.

However, despite our love for one another and our 15 year long friendship, I have never made Katie a painting.

It was Katie herself that has been hounding me about this for the past 3 years consecutively. “Everyone else has one, where’s mine?” Seems to be the common theme. But as I tried to explain to her (albeit rather unsuccessfully), it’s different with her. She knows me in ways other people can only pretend to, and we often joke that she “lives in my head,” and vice versa. But what I couldn’t explain, was that I wanted her to have the best I could provide, not a cheap imitation. Unfortunately, at the rate I was moving... my “best,” might not have been produced until her wedding day, or another equally auspicious occasion many years down the road.

Finally completing this painting for Katie has opened my eyes to a lesson that is now abundantly clear. She is right more often than I like to admit (and will most assuredly deny it if asked), but in this case I am reminded that we often neglect those that we love the most. Even with the very best of intentions, even if it’s just in the little things, we allow ourselves to be diverted by the business of work schedules, extra-curriculars, appointments, luncheons, business meetings, politics, and aspirations for the future.

Dear ones, today I would simply remind you to look closely at the people in your lives who have stuck around past the 5 year mark, 10 year mark, 15 year mark, etc. And find a way to honor them for the way they have loved you and lived with you.

Even if it’s “just” an old friend reaching out to you for lunch, or sending you an email checking in, please take the time to call them back and respond with love and grace. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the people you love to have the very best of you, and the best you can give. However, I realize now that sometimes the best gift isn’t perfection, but is simply the best of your heart in the moment, craters, fault-lines and imperfections included.

In conclusion, I know that Ego has a nasty way of coming back to bite us when we think we have covered all of our bases. But in the end, its not about our own ambitions, and who we think we have to step over or go around to get where we think we should be. It’s about the people whose lives we have touched and who have touched us in return, and the people we don’t know who will be waiting for us at the gates of Heaven.

PS- DISCLAIMER: BTW, Please don’t think that poor Katie has been languishing for years without an abundance of gifts and appreciation from me. This painting may have been a long time coming, but regardless of the lesson I’ve learned, I certainly haven’t been derelict in our friendship! ;)

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“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”  (Proverbs 17:17)