When Words Fail

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy
and keep choosing it every day!" (Henri J.M. Nouwen)

This last Monday, I submitted my resignation to the institution where I re-forged my identity. Its been one week and two days since I signed my name to the paper that would release me from the safe-haven where I have grown into the woman I am today.

As a student, I found comfort surrounded by stacks of textbooks in the corner office and struggled unsuccessfully through Hawaiian language homework while curled on koa pews. I listened to the Aunties weave stories of years gone by and sat at their knees with my mouth closed and my ears open. On those quiet Sunday mornings after service, the empty sanctuary felt just like home to me. I used to sneak onto the altar during the weekday afternoons and belt out His Eye is on the Sparrow when the church was dark and silent. It always felt like God heard my song echoing straight to heaven, and that was a balm to my heart like no other.

The tears that I’ve cried in these offices have stained the worn carpeted floors and antique upholstery. In the past three and a half years I’ve made my mark on these halls. I walk through the empty rooms and only silence echoes. I can feel the foundation of the very church crying with me.

The stones weep.

I want to duct tape myself to the front doors with chains and barbed wire and rage against the machine. But there is no one left to rail against. But God.

In one fell swoop the ground was swept out from under me and I lost my footing. Everything that oriented the compass of my heart has been demagnetized. I am completely unmoored.

But even amidst the grief that is washing over me, there is still the joy that my God has not forsaken me. That my family is still walking beside me despite the challenges. That my friends have taken to holding me up in the moments when I don’t want to go on. That the joy of my salvation is still secure, and that no one can ever take that away from me. That even amidst all of the trials and tribulations, the Enemy couldn’t fully eradicate my pride, and my self-worth, although the latter is slightly in pieces.

The time has come for me to step out into the world and decide anew what kind of person I want to be. Have you ever forgotten that we can do that anytime we want? That we as individuals can CHOOSE to be righteous amidst trial, can choose to speak life giving words, can choose to forgive. I’m through letting others dictate how they get to make me feel. Only I have the power to decide the direction of my identity. And I’m excited!

I haven’t blogged in two weeks (going on three), not because I haven’t had anything to say… but because I’ve had far too much to say, and none of it appropriate for public consumption. For the first time in my life I feel free. Its been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to write joyfully, and an even longer time since I’ve had the hours in the day to sit in Starbucks or crammed into a library nook agonizing over the perfection of a page.

Hello April! I dedicate the entirety of my creative juices to you this month. I have chosen to declare that this transition will be a blessing. While I pray for the job that I have left behind and send up prayers for the new job that God has for me in the near future, I plan to live in the JOY of the Lord every single day.

This is the month of Easter, the month where I get to shout from the rooftops, “He Is Risen!” and the angels shout back, “He Is Risen Indeed!” The month where I get to give thanks for the people I love, who chase away loneliness in my life. (Thanks guys!!) And sing songs of praise 24/7! Whooo hoooo!

But in this journey, I’ve learned at least one new lesson that I can share with all of you. When too many people are speaking words of advice into your life, it’s easy to forget the sound of your own voice. Dear ones, take the time to sit with yourself and honor the voice that is in your own head. Allow yourself to feel anger, pain, sadness and joy, and know that you are perfectly normal to grieve over change. Don’t diminish your own feelings because of the expectations of others. Honor yourself for choosing life, and do it daily.

For a girl who lives her life exalting in the power of words, it was eye opening to realize that sometimes, words fail. Sometimes the righteous are not victorious, sometimes standing up to evil means simply taking back what is yours and leaving the rest behind. After weeks of drowning in the flood, morning has broken and my spirit has resurfaced. In the words of Darrell Evans, “I’m trading my sorrow, I’m trading my shame, and I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord.” Beloved, I wish all of you the same!

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“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

Who Moved My Cheese? (Part III)

 Have you ever read the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” The summer before I entered the 7^th grade this book appeared on my required reading list and I devoured it in a single sitting. The main characters consisted of two mice, Sniff and Scurry and two small humans named Hem and Haw. All four of them live in a maze where they spend their days searching for cheese. In the story, they come across “Cheese Station C,” and establish their daily routine based on the assumption that the cheese supply will be everlasting. However, one day all four characters arrive to discover that “Cheese Station C” is empty... someone had moved the cheese!

The book uses allegory to explore and question the different ways people adapt to change. Are you willing to seek out new cheese? Or will you allow yourself to be victimized and blame others for your lack of cheese? Ultimately, the message is portrayed that we are the mice in our own mazes spending day after day seeking out the “cheese” of life. We can either take a proactive approach to seek out cheese, or we can give up when the cheese becomes scarce or hard to find.

For some reason, this life lesson on change never really sat well with me. I don’t know about you, but I am not content to live out my life stuck in a maze! Apparently another author agrees with my consensus and he, a Harvard Business School graduate, penned the book, “I Moved Your Cheese: For Those Who Refuse to Live as Mice in Someone Else’s Maze.” I literally had to laugh out loud at his attempt to change a timeless self-help classic into a motivational “take-control-of-your-own-destiny” kind of book. In my eyes, Author #2 ended up fencing himself into the same box as the Author #1. The new breed of mice may break the rules, challenge the limitations and set out to create new realities, but at the end of the day there is still a maze and the mice still seek out cheese.

I jokingly asked some friends, are you “cheese seekers,” or “cheese movers?” But in my head I found myself questioning, what’s the point? What if I don’t want to just run through the metaphorical maze seeking the cheese day after day? What if I honestly don’t care about what the other mice are doing in the maze? Well guess what? If I am not a “cheese seeker,” or a “cheese mover,” then I think I would prefer to BE the CHEESE!

Society teaches us that our value is determined by our identity, our self-worth, our image, our wealth, our religion, our culture, and our families. Success (or in this case the CHEESE) is what determines our happiness and hope for the future... I believe that WE determine our own value. Although all of us have been influenced both positively and negatively by our parents, teachers, mentors, coaches, bosses, co-workers, etc, ultimately we should feel confident enough in our own abilities to give ourselves the credit we deserve.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in humility, I believe in just desserts. But I also believe in self-confidence, and happiness. I believe in being responsible for your own success. Yes, there are those that helped us to get to where we are, but did those individuals write our stories, attend our classes, graduate with our degrees? The answer is an emphatic NO. We did that. We have put in the hours on the treadmill to lose that last stubborn pound, we have pulled all-nighters to finished those 20 page papers that we “meant” to do weeks ago, we have written, we have spoken, we have given up sleep, blood and tears to become who we are today. And we deserve to be able to “own” every bit of that, the good and the bad.

Being the cheese means acknowledging that ultimately, it comes down to us. In those still quiet moments in the maze of life we are not seeking and we are not moving, simply existing as ourselves is enough. Being the cheese means that other mice will come to us. If we are the cheese then we are exhibiting something that makes others look at us walking down the street and say, “wow,” not because we have real-life-Barbie-dimensions, but because we know how to hold our heads up and look people in the eyes with confidence and kindness. Why should we waste our time looking for cheese when we are already everything we were created to be?

When mice seek cheese it is because they are hungry, they are bored or they are unfilled. They seek cheese because they are told that they are built to seek cheese out with insatiable hunger. In their emptiness they find themselves constantly focused on the goal, the cheese, and penned in by the maze that surrounds them. They are so ravenous for something to fulfill the emptiness in them that they forget about what is already inside of them. Like Author #2 said, “The maze is in the mouse!”

Beloved, I wholeheartedly believe that God created each of us in His own perfect image. He has filled my life with such joy that I no longer feel the need to run through any maze seeking cheese. I am fulfilled. Regardless of whether or not you share my belief, my prayer for you is that this year you change your maze-traveling, cheese-seeking mentality. Re-wire your head and your heart until you begin to believe in yourself again. Identify your gifts and fall in love with your own passions... you already have everything you need. As far as I’m concerned:

YOU ARE THE CHEESE!

THAT Girl

I can’t remember the last time I stopped to smell the roses. My current job keeps me so busy that most days I leave my house when it's still dark and I return home after the sun has set. People tell me all the time that I’ve “accomplished a lot for my age,” but sometimes I feel as though I’ve really accomplished nothing at all. Do you know the feeling? Sure, I’ve advanced in my career, received my college diploma and written the pre-requisite academic publication, but despite my success I still feel like I used to be so much more.

I used to be the girl that started petitions to “Save the Frogs!” just because it was the right thing to do, the girl who stayed up all night reading classic fantasy epics and Harry Potter fan-fiction all because she wanted to learn how to use a magic wand, the girl who fearlessly faced down bullies, and loved to wear orange trench-coats lined with pink pineapples just because it made people smile. I used to be THAT girl.  

In elementary school I wore red plastic coke-bottle glasses that were the nearly the size of my entire face (no joke). I got braces, put my hair in pig-tails whenever I felt like it, and wore high socks with my shirt tucked in. I was the girl who never cared what anyone thought, as long as she was following her heart, the one who always fought for the underdog and spent hours trying to debate people about moral ambiguity, love, and world peace just for the hell of it. Oh how I miss THAT girl.

These days, I feel accomplished when I wake up early enough to go to the gym for 20 minutes. I pat myself on the back when I remember to pack home lunch so I don’t have to bust out the subway coupons (yet again). If I manage to make the 2hr drive home without drifting off behind the wheel I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I feel like my brain is dripping down the side of my face and pooling in a pathetic puddle on the pavement. Where did THAT girl go?

Since starting this blog and revitalizing my novel I have written more in the past 21 days than in the past few years. I thought it would be a burden of discipline, forcing me to set an alarm and a color-coded time slot on my calendar. But writing this novel is like breathing. It’s like finally getting a breath of fresh air after days without oxygen. I feel like a furled bud opening for the first taste of sunlight after a heavy rain. 

When I was THAT girl, I understood that anything is possible if you are willing to work hard enough, and my belief in myself was unshakeable. But I am no longer THAT girl.

Beloved, things have happened to you. Things that have shaken you from your very core and shattered your world in earthquake-like fashion. You have fought in epic battles, and you have been the heroes and heroines of your own novels. The victories have been great, but in some cases the costs have been greater.

The woman I am today is fighting herself. I see-saw between joyful gratitude that I have enough, that I can finally feed my family AND pay the mortgage, and bitter frustration that the world seems a lot smaller than it used to be.

But writing this long-awaited novel has reminded me that THAT girl, with her wide eyed innocence and her voracious appetite for life, love and the pursuit of happiness, she’s still inside of me. I tried to shut her and her unrealistic naiveté out of my head, but the floodgates of my heart have been reopened and she is once again infiltrating my spirit and encouraging me to stop and smell the roses. And boy do they smell good!

What Do You Do When Enough Just Isn't Enough?

They say, (whoever "they" may be), that the grass is always greener on the "other side." But there comes a time in life when we are no longer content to covet our neighbor’s grass from afar. It may start out as you walking your dog a few extra times around the block to check out your neighbor’s landscaping, or dropping by for a dip in that jacuzzi you love so much. But I wouldn't be surprised if you eventually offered to house sit while your neighbor goes on that European cruise you've been praying about... Before you know it you may find yourself dreaming about what its like to actually BE your neighbor... does this sound familiar?

I have a confession: I've coveted that metaphorical grass of my neighbor for so long that in the process I neglected my own back yard. I'm not much of a gardener as it is, but while my eyes were focused beyond the borders of my own fence... the grass at my feet withered and died. Every day my brittle heart grew a little colder, and a little more bitter as I ached and longed to be something that I wasn't and would never be.  One day I woke up choking on a pile of dead weeds and I realized that while I was busy loving and coveting everything about everyone else...

I forgot to love myself.

This year in 2014 ITS TIME TO MAKE A DECISION, we owe it to ourselves to focus on our own backyards. By all means, please spend time with your family and friends, they have helped to build you into the wonderful person you are today! Don’t be afraid to serve. Give yourself in service to your community, your school, your work, your church, and practice humility and gratitude. But in doing so, don't forget yourself. A midst the thousands of voices pulling at you and dragging you in varied directions, you deserve to find time to lay in the sun and water your own grass.

The world is full of people who are just waiting in line to tear us down with words of anger, judgment and bitterness, and I've found that there are too few people waiting in the wings with words of love to build us back up. But sometimes the girl who does the most damage to me... is me. Every time I try to change myself to fit in, to blend in, to look like someone else, I diminish the gifts God has blessed me with.

I have another confession: I killed my own grass.

This year I struggled with New Years Resolutions. After much prayer and contemplation during a post-holiday, pre-New Year’s depressed meltdown I finally decided that all I really wanted to be was enough. I had come up with an extensive list of things (colleges, 10-step plans, gyms, personal-trainers, programs, self-help books, sermons, you-name-it) that was sure to help me reach my goal by this time next year. At the end of 2014, if I followed my plan to the T I would be:

•  A published author, known throughout the USA

•  A lovely, gorgeous, beautiful woman (with the confidence to match) who would turn heads when she enters the room

•  An accomplished artist and musician

•  A respected academic with 1 (or more) legitimate college degrees

•  A well-traveled, well-spoken, well-respected public speaker

•  A professional consultant and historian

I went to bed that night feeling hopeful that I could FINALLY become EVERYTHING that I thought everyone thought/said/wanted me to be so that I would finally be Enough.

But the next morning I looked at the list again and had a revelation: 

I am already all of the things that I wanted to be… I just never took the time to recognize it before.

This year we need to build ourselves back up. I want the grass on my side of the fence to be just as green. Let’s love ourselves more diligently, more often and more publicly! Let’s use positive adjectives to describe our bodies and forgiving words to describe our hearts! This year my prayer for all of us is that we each know without a doubt that we are smart and talented and beautiful and most certainly Enough. All we have to do now is believe it!

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“Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God” (2 Corinthians 3:5)