When Words Fail

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy
and keep choosing it every day!" (Henri J.M. Nouwen)

This last Monday, I submitted my resignation to the institution where I re-forged my identity. Its been one week and two days since I signed my name to the paper that would release me from the safe-haven where I have grown into the woman I am today.

As a student, I found comfort surrounded by stacks of textbooks in the corner office and struggled unsuccessfully through Hawaiian language homework while curled on koa pews. I listened to the Aunties weave stories of years gone by and sat at their knees with my mouth closed and my ears open. On those quiet Sunday mornings after service, the empty sanctuary felt just like home to me. I used to sneak onto the altar during the weekday afternoons and belt out His Eye is on the Sparrow when the church was dark and silent. It always felt like God heard my song echoing straight to heaven, and that was a balm to my heart like no other.

The tears that I’ve cried in these offices have stained the worn carpeted floors and antique upholstery. In the past three and a half years I’ve made my mark on these halls. I walk through the empty rooms and only silence echoes. I can feel the foundation of the very church crying with me.

The stones weep.

I want to duct tape myself to the front doors with chains and barbed wire and rage against the machine. But there is no one left to rail against. But God.

In one fell swoop the ground was swept out from under me and I lost my footing. Everything that oriented the compass of my heart has been demagnetized. I am completely unmoored.

But even amidst the grief that is washing over me, there is still the joy that my God has not forsaken me. That my family is still walking beside me despite the challenges. That my friends have taken to holding me up in the moments when I don’t want to go on. That the joy of my salvation is still secure, and that no one can ever take that away from me. That even amidst all of the trials and tribulations, the Enemy couldn’t fully eradicate my pride, and my self-worth, although the latter is slightly in pieces.

The time has come for me to step out into the world and decide anew what kind of person I want to be. Have you ever forgotten that we can do that anytime we want? That we as individuals can CHOOSE to be righteous amidst trial, can choose to speak life giving words, can choose to forgive. I’m through letting others dictate how they get to make me feel. Only I have the power to decide the direction of my identity. And I’m excited!

I haven’t blogged in two weeks (going on three), not because I haven’t had anything to say… but because I’ve had far too much to say, and none of it appropriate for public consumption. For the first time in my life I feel free. Its been a long time since I’ve had the opportunity to write joyfully, and an even longer time since I’ve had the hours in the day to sit in Starbucks or crammed into a library nook agonizing over the perfection of a page.

Hello April! I dedicate the entirety of my creative juices to you this month. I have chosen to declare that this transition will be a blessing. While I pray for the job that I have left behind and send up prayers for the new job that God has for me in the near future, I plan to live in the JOY of the Lord every single day.

This is the month of Easter, the month where I get to shout from the rooftops, “He Is Risen!” and the angels shout back, “He Is Risen Indeed!” The month where I get to give thanks for the people I love, who chase away loneliness in my life. (Thanks guys!!) And sing songs of praise 24/7! Whooo hoooo!

But in this journey, I’ve learned at least one new lesson that I can share with all of you. When too many people are speaking words of advice into your life, it’s easy to forget the sound of your own voice. Dear ones, take the time to sit with yourself and honor the voice that is in your own head. Allow yourself to feel anger, pain, sadness and joy, and know that you are perfectly normal to grieve over change. Don’t diminish your own feelings because of the expectations of others. Honor yourself for choosing life, and do it daily.

For a girl who lives her life exalting in the power of words, it was eye opening to realize that sometimes, words fail. Sometimes the righteous are not victorious, sometimes standing up to evil means simply taking back what is yours and leaving the rest behind. After weeks of drowning in the flood, morning has broken and my spirit has resurfaced. In the words of Darrell Evans, “I’m trading my sorrow, I’m trading my shame, and I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord.” Beloved, I wish all of you the same!

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“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23)