Breathing Underwater

"You drown not by falling into a river,
but by staying submerged in it."
(Paulo Coelho)

Dear friends, how are you? I feel as though I lived out this last week in a virtual reality. I’ve spent the majority of my days in bed with hot soup, my laptop, a pile of drugs, and I haven’t communicated with the outside world in eons.

I’ve had asthma for as long as I can remember. Google defines it as, “a respiratory condition marked by spasms in the bronchi of the lungs, causing difficulty in breathing.” But personally, I think “difficulty” is an understatement. I feel as though I have had the privilege of facing down death on many an occasion. Vog rolls in? Asthma attack. Flowers bloom? Asthma attack. Cigarette smoke nearby? Asthma attack. The list goes on...

It’s hard to describe what it feels like to drown in air, but if you can imagine trying to breathe through a coffee stirrer while someone sits on your chest, then perhaps you can begin to understand why breathing is NOT at all overrated.

There is a moment right before I black out when my whole body vibrates. First my fingers and toes go numb and then the bones in my cheeks feel like they are melting down shivering planes and pooling beneath my rib cage. I’ve been told that my face fades to the color of white chalk and my lips shine with the pale grey of death.

Up until this final moment of consciousness my mind is overwhelmed with panic. First thought, “I can’t breathe!” Second thought, “Ohmygosh. I CAN’T BREATHE!!” All thoughts after that, “I’m gonna die!” In the past I’ve thrashed around on the floor grasping my chest pitifully and sobbing in abject terror, but I’ve also gone down gracefully and been carried out of an overflowing amphitheater on live television.

Have you ever faced down death? I can’t really say that my life flashes before my eyes every time I believe my heart is about to stop, but I can say that there is a moment of peace near the end. A fleeting moment that is probably only milliseconds but feels like minutes, a moment right after your eyes close when you can still see the pinpricks of light bleeding through your eyelids before everything goes dark, a moment when you simply can’t fight anymore, when you give in to exhaustion and embrace your own fate. I have decided that we need more moments like these in our lives.

I’m a control freak. Anal-retentive. Type-A (for awesome :p) personality. There is nothing I hate more in this world than feeling helpless. And trust me, lying immobilized on the ground unable to breathe is the epitome of helplessness. But sadly, it’s always in that last peaceful moment of fear that we reach out for faith. Our hearts are screaming out for help before our minds recognize that He was with us all along.

I don’t want to live my life only reaching for God milliseconds before I fade into darkness. I don’t want to waste the time that I have here thrashing on the floor in terror, helpless to draw even a single breath. I want to remind myself daily that it is God’s own breath that has gifted me with life.

This week I struggled every second to fight my own fear. I overwhelmed myself with thoughts of visits to the ER, oxygen masks, and IV needles. Beloved, if you are struggling, don’t wait until you are helpless to ask for help. Surround yourself with people who will strengthen you, encourage, empower and lift you up when you are down. Stop fighting. Allow yourself a moment of weakness where you don’t have to have it all together. It’s okay. You deserve to be loved! I promise you that in the moment when you let go, stop breathing, and give the fears of your heart back to God... the terror will pass.

PS- Trust me when I say that your next inhalation will be the sweetest breath you ever take! Breathing is NOT overrated.

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“The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.”  (Job 33:4)

24 Years of Blowing Out Birthday Candles

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

On Sunday, February 9, 2014, surrounded by friends and family, I clenched my eyes shut, braced my hands against the table, and blew out 25 birthday candles with a single breath. Whoo hooo! An amazing feat indeed! However, although I may have been celebrating 24 years of life, in retrospect I feel as though I am celebrating so much more than that.

Second chances are kind of funny, because you can never plan for them. If you are fortunate enough to receive the opportunity for a do-over, you really won’t know it until it arrives on your doorstep demanding attention. There was a time in my life within the past 24 years when I didn’t think that I would ever celebrate another birthday.

You may not know this about me… But I know what it feels like to cry myself sick on a bathroom floor. I’ve wept with shaking hands clenched tightly around my heart and begged for the infernal muscle to stop beating so my unending pain would finally cease. I know how it feels to think yourself to be so empty that you wander around looking for trouble before it can find you and then pray to God that it will overtake you once it does. Beloved, I know it may be hard to believe, but I’ve been there, trapped in my own pain. And if you are living and breathing, well there’s a good chance that at some point in your life you’ve been there too.

To me, the real miracle is not the pain that we are capable of feeling, or the unspeakable horrors that some of us have experienced on this side of heaven. Dear ones, the miracle is in the way we live again after we have lost a part of ourselves. I know what it feels like to finally find peace and forgiveness after a long, enduring, too-terrible-to-ever-speak-of, trauma. And not the kind of peace that you find at the bottom of a bottle (No thank you to 7-11 for selling White Zinfandel for $2.99 on Thursdays), or at the end of a cigarette butt. Believe me, I’ve tried drowning my sorrows in cheap liquor until I was dizzy with it, but heartache won’t wash off your cheeks the next morning in the bathroom sink like tear-smeared eyeliner. Until you understand what it means to be loved UNCONDITIONALLY, you will always be left wanting.

Living again means embracing all the parts of yourself that you’ve tried to destroy, recognizing where you have made mistakes, taking responsibility for words you’ve said, or didn’t say, and acknowledging that whatever burden you are struggling to carry, you are not capable of carrying it alone. This takes courage.

I’ve written before that I never thought I would ever call myself a Christian, never preach the gospel or minister to those whose hearts have been shattered like mine. But that was before I received a second chance at living. Today I wanted to write a happy blog post about the deep gratitude that I felt for the happy birthday salutations I received and the happy celebrations that I experienced in the past few days, but these weren’t the words that come out of me.

Instead my pen wants to sing to you about  peace.  Friends, our struggles make our triumphs taste even sweeter, because we understand what it feels like to be without hope. But it’s the days after our happiest moments when the Enemy attacks our hearts and reminds us of the times when we dwelled in darkness. Don’t fall for it. He’s sly because he not only sees the fault lines on our soul, but he also delights in hammering them until our old wounds ache and we begin to turn our backs to fear and run terrified into the darkness.

You don’t have to hide anymore. I serve a God who says, “²⁸Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28, 30). Even now, knowing that being able to celebrate 24 years of my life is a miracle, my heart still twinges from old scars. But the only way to fight back is to fight fear by focusing on what I have gained.

On Sunday I was reminded of all the ways in which I have been blessed by God. When I get on my knees and open my heart to Him I think of the outpouring of love that I received from my family and friends. This freely-offered, genuinely-delivered, no-holds-barred love washes over me and erases any doubt that my life has meant something, that me taking another breath has the potential to save someone else, that I am alive for a purpose.

And so are you.

Friends, superstition tells us that if we blow out all of our birthday candles in one breath and make a wish, then our wish will come true. Let me tell you a secret: My wish has already come true. This year, surrounded by an overflow of love, when I closed my eyes and took a breath to blow out those 25 candles (one for good luck), I said a silent prayer to God for all of you. Instead of wishing for a trip to Europe, losing 15 lbs at the gym, or the fulfillment of my other foolish New Years Resolutions, I thanked God for second chances. I thanked God for the way “we love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). I thanked God for blessing me with wonderful people in my life who remind me every day that I am strong and smart and beautiful and worth loving (no matter what doubts the enemy chooses to send in my direction). I thanked God for YOU. Each and every one of you have changed my life for the better and I just wanted to let you know how deeply grateful I am. Thank you.

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“May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.” (2 Thessalonians 3:16) 

The Circle of Life

I wept my way through the Lion King’s opening number. From the minute the theater lights dimmed and Raffiki opened her mouth to belt out that first note, my heart began vibrating up into my throat, tightening with the overwhelming desire to run towards the direction of the stage and burst into song. Giraffes, zebras, antelope, birds, elephants, rhinoceroses, lions, and cheetahs. The dancers were so graceful that through their movements, in an explosion of light and sound I saw all at once the true dwellers of the savanna, strong and proud. It was Beautiful.

Did you know that The Lion King movie opened in 1994, the same year that Nelson Mandela became President of South Africa? Lebo M, the South African singer, songwriter and composer was quoted in saying, “When Simba takes over Pride Land, to me is not an animation.” Lebo goes on to explain how the lyrical inspiration actually visualizes Mandela’s ascension to Presidency after twenty-seven years of imprisonment for fighting apartheid. WOW. That is Beautiful.

African music has always felt like a heartbeat to me. There are three different South African languages represented in the musical, Sesotho, Setswana and isiZulu. The drums call to each other and answer in waves, driving voices to resonating heights that depict the pride and passion of the struggle. Simply Beautiful.

There are so many beautiful things in the world, but I think that hope is one of the most beautiful sights, sounds and tastes in the world. When you have experienced the heavy hopelessness of constant darkness and fear there are really not enough words to describe the sensation of being lost. Not all of us can be Nelson Mandela, and sometimes it is almost too difficult just to make it through one day at work, at home, or at school. In the darkness Beauty can seem hard to find.

I want to be a real, living, breathing, straight-up kind of person. The kind of writer that doesn’t sugar-coat truths and weave illusions. To me, this means acknowledging that life isn’t always a bouquet of sweet-smelling roses. Unfortunately, like Simba discovers, “Hakuna Matata,” is not always applicable to reality. Some of my friends are struggling right now to choose a direction in their careers, make decisions about college, purchase a car, rent an apartment, navigate their marriages, fight illness and disease, raise their children, etc. These are real and legitimate problems that can be ugly, dark and daunting, Where is the Beauty here?

But beautiful things don’t always appear the way we want them to, (ie: sweeping down the aisle of a Broadway musical). To me, beauty is visible in the simple way we hope for more, the way we fight, the way we love and the way we live. Forgive me if I’m getting a bit existential, but watching a musical like the Lion King prods me to examine my own life and ask myself if I am fighting for something that I can be proud of. How do I recognize the Beauty in front of me?

Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I find myself bawling my eyes out in the dark trying not to wipe my nose on my favorite scarf and praying that nobody notices. Sometimes the Beauty of things overwhelms my senses before the rest of me catches up. And thats OKAY. My new goal is to be more aware of the little things that touch my heart, and open myself up to those emotions (even if it makes my heart ache a little). This seems to be a recurring theme for me for 2014, because I used to shut out emotion and pride myself on an award-winning poker face. Not anymore! Today I welcome the tears, the laughter and everything in between, because it reminds me of how grateful I am to be alive. Life, is Beautiful.

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“Lift your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment, and its inhabitants will perish in like manner; But My salvation will last forever, and My righteousness will never fail.”  (Isaiah 51:6)

My Loose-Tooth Birthday

Yesterday I was at work in the middle of writing a new blog entry about The Lion King when my 1:30pm appointment arrived. Uncle Ken (musician extraordinaire, pastor and mentor) walked into my office with his son Pono. Last time I saw Pono he ran up to me with a couple of friendly caterpillars hanging off of his shirt while yelling, “Aunty Kanani, come play with my bugs!!” This expressive little 8yr old always brings a smile to my face and today was no exception.

“Aunty, Aunty, Aunty, tomrphmhr----“ He stuck two fingers into his mouth and continued what I think was a lengthily explanation.

“What?” I grinned at him, “Pono I can’t understand you with your fingers in your mouth!”

“Todayismyloosetoothbirthday.” Pono opened his mouth real wide, waggled his baby tooth with his tongue, and explained to me how he had woken up this morning and found his first EVER loose tooth. He then proceeded to wiggle it victoriously and maintain a garbled running commentary dialoguing his excitement.

For the last two hours after my meeting the only thing that I was able to think about was Pono’s “Loose-Tooth Birthday.” I mean really, I like celebrating. I happily celebrate my birthday, Easter, Christmas, the big holidays, the state holidays, the federal holidays, and even the little random ones that give me the day off from work. But I have never before celebrated a “Loose-Tooth Birthday.”

Children have a way of approaching life as though every day is a celebration. Every little event, ever single milestone, however small, is worth thanking God for. And not JUST thanking Him, but actually jumping up and down in joyful celebration. There are days (sometimes, weeks and months) when I forget that.

I attended a One Love Ministries women’s retreat last year where the theme was “Child-like Faith.” The Lord recognizes the heartfelt innocence of children and encourages us to model our hearts after them and “become like little children.” (Matthew 18:3) Children are not afraid to speak the truth in any circumstance; their world views are not shaped by a need to be politically correct or by hidden agenda’s. We’ve all seen those AT&T commercials... It’s not complicated!

Pono has inspired my challenge for all of you for the month of February. Every single day should be a celebration and a day of thanksgiving. Every. Single. Day. Friends, I challenge all of you to find something that you want to give thanks for every day this month and celebrate it unapologetically. Celebrate it privately, give thanks in prayer, celebrate it publicly, throw a party with friends, go to dinner with family, do whatever you need to do, just CELEBRATE it. You deserve it!

So although I don’t have any loose teeth to celebrate this morning, I can and will declare today “Soup-for-lunch Day!” And I will celebrate my thankfulness that on this cold and rainy Wednesday God has provided me with some delicious, hot, ramen for lunch.

What are you celebrating today?

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“Do you hear what these children are saying?” they asked him. “Yes,” replied Jesus, “have you never read, ‘From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise.’” (Matthew 21:16)