Breathing Underwater

"You drown not by falling into a river,
but by staying submerged in it."
(Paulo Coelho)

Dear friends, how are you? I feel as though I lived out this last week in a virtual reality. I’ve spent the majority of my days in bed with hot soup, my laptop, a pile of drugs, and I haven’t communicated with the outside world in eons.

I’ve had asthma for as long as I can remember. Google defines it as, “a respiratory condition marked by spasms in the bronchi of the lungs, causing difficulty in breathing.” But personally, I think “difficulty” is an understatement. I feel as though I have had the privilege of facing down death on many an occasion. Vog rolls in? Asthma attack. Flowers bloom? Asthma attack. Cigarette smoke nearby? Asthma attack. The list goes on...

It’s hard to describe what it feels like to drown in air, but if you can imagine trying to breathe through a coffee stirrer while someone sits on your chest, then perhaps you can begin to understand why breathing is NOT at all overrated.

There is a moment right before I black out when my whole body vibrates. First my fingers and toes go numb and then the bones in my cheeks feel like they are melting down shivering planes and pooling beneath my rib cage. I’ve been told that my face fades to the color of white chalk and my lips shine with the pale grey of death.

Up until this final moment of consciousness my mind is overwhelmed with panic. First thought, “I can’t breathe!” Second thought, “Ohmygosh. I CAN’T BREATHE!!” All thoughts after that, “I’m gonna die!” In the past I’ve thrashed around on the floor grasping my chest pitifully and sobbing in abject terror, but I’ve also gone down gracefully and been carried out of an overflowing amphitheater on live television.

Have you ever faced down death? I can’t really say that my life flashes before my eyes every time I believe my heart is about to stop, but I can say that there is a moment of peace near the end. A fleeting moment that is probably only milliseconds but feels like minutes, a moment right after your eyes close when you can still see the pinpricks of light bleeding through your eyelids before everything goes dark, a moment when you simply can’t fight anymore, when you give in to exhaustion and embrace your own fate. I have decided that we need more moments like these in our lives.

I’m a control freak. Anal-retentive. Type-A (for awesome :p) personality. There is nothing I hate more in this world than feeling helpless. And trust me, lying immobilized on the ground unable to breathe is the epitome of helplessness. But sadly, it’s always in that last peaceful moment of fear that we reach out for faith. Our hearts are screaming out for help before our minds recognize that He was with us all along.

I don’t want to live my life only reaching for God milliseconds before I fade into darkness. I don’t want to waste the time that I have here thrashing on the floor in terror, helpless to draw even a single breath. I want to remind myself daily that it is God’s own breath that has gifted me with life.

This week I struggled every second to fight my own fear. I overwhelmed myself with thoughts of visits to the ER, oxygen masks, and IV needles. Beloved, if you are struggling, don’t wait until you are helpless to ask for help. Surround yourself with people who will strengthen you, encourage, empower and lift you up when you are down. Stop fighting. Allow yourself a moment of weakness where you don’t have to have it all together. It’s okay. You deserve to be loved! I promise you that in the moment when you let go, stop breathing, and give the fears of your heart back to God... the terror will pass.

PS- Trust me when I say that your next inhalation will be the sweetest breath you ever take! Breathing is NOT overrated.

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“The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.”  (Job 33:4)