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| "Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness." -Maya Angelou |
When
I was a freshman in college I used to
play my guitar until my fingers bled. From the moment I returned to my dorm
after classes I became a constant fixture on the E lounge balcony. Friends used
to leave handwritten post-it notes like love letters stuck to the bench waiting
to welcome my arrival.
My
tower of choice looked out over the sidewalk toward Diamond
Head and day after day I sat for hours strumming my guitar and getting lost in my own head. From 10
stories above I looked down and watched people walk back and forth between
dorms and congregate outside the dinning hall in a climactic movement of
skateboards, radios and high-fives.
I
watched the sunsets fade into red-pink-orange rays and I counted cracks in the
pavement until my throat hurt and the pads of my fingers were so raw it felt
like my nerve endings were on fire. There’s something so beautiful about having
a passion, loving something so much
that sometimes you feel as though the pure joy of it will overtake you and
you’ll float away.
Singing is like that for me. When I open my mouth I feel like one long magical
run-on-sentence is about to emerge and wrap itself around me. I’ve always loved
run-on-sentences.
I
sing when I’m sad, when I’m mad, when I’m over-the-moon-happy, when I’m bored
and when I’m lonely. And sometimes, if
I’m very lucky I lose myself in the love of it.
In
the past I’ve run so hard and so fast that my lungs burned up all of their
oxygen and I simply collapsed on the ground in a sloppy pile of sweat and
twisted limbs. But when your world becomes narrow and your only focus is taking
a breath, thinking becomes difficult. I used to
live for those moments, hiding behind the comfort of my passion.
Have
you ever seen a child make herself invisible? Little ones clench their eyes
tightly and plaster miniature fingers over closed lids while declaring loudly,
“You can’t see me!” If only invisibility was that simple to attain!
Playing
my guitar during all of those midnight jam sessions made me feel so fulfilled
that I forgot I was still visible to the
rest of the world. Just like a child I had deluded myself into thinking
that if I sang loud enough, I could drown out the rest of the world so no one
could hear me. Boy was I wrong!
It
was 2am, and a voice drifted up over the 10th floor balcony, “Hey... can you play that John Mayer song that you played
two nights ago?” I froze. Silence hung in the air between me and the
stranger.
“Me?”
I yelled down incredulously. Honestly, despite the fact that it was 2am and I
was playing on an outside balcony it hadn’t even registered that other people
could hear me at all.
“Yeah, you know... Daughters? I love it when you play that one.” They were still down there
waiting for a response.
My
throat was so dry I could barely speak “Sure.”
My heart bounced against my rib cage.
“Awesome! Have a good night.”
I
don’t know how I managed it, but I played the requested song and then packed it
up and called it a night. I was absolutely floored. People, (living, breathing
people) were listening to MY music!!! Panic ensued. I had forgotten that even in our darkest moments we can still be a light to someone
else without even knowing it.
This
was such an important lesson for me, because I never forgot that no matter how
invisible you think you are, there is always someone watching and/or listening.
Our
actions are important because what we do and say has the
power to change people’s hearts, and that is one of the greatest gifts of all.
I
spent the majority of my midnight's that year singing the shameful pain of my own
heart into that not-so-empty courtyard, and not realizing that even then I wasn’t as alone as I thought. The same
holds true today. My friends, pursue your passions whole-heartedly, and
remember that you have the potential to be a light in the darkness.
Even
if it means playing until your fingers bleed and singing love songs at 2am. Don’t let your light go out!
* * *
“I will incline my ear to a
proverb; I will solve my riddle to the music of the lyre.” (Psalm 49:4)
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