The Language of Silence

"Silence is a source of Great Strength." -Lao Tzu

I’ve been told that I have a tendency to be long-winded. In fact, I have actually been banned from ALL joke-telling, including my all-time favorite joke (the Potato Joke). My biggest problem is that I can’t always remember the logistics of most jokes, and I always begin laughing somewhere in the middle and give away the punch line. (not to mention that fact that each joke literally lasts 15 minutes!) See Exhibit A:

ACT 1

Wailana Coffee House

[Cue lights. A lone karaoke singer belts out Sam Cooke’s “A Change is Gonna Come” in the background and a police car can be heard racing by the old picture windows]

Narrator: The story unfolds as our characters sit down for a midnight meal at their favorite coffee shop. Kanani begins what appears to be a terrible attempt at joke-telling while her horrified friends look on helplessly, unable to escape.

Begin Scene 1

Kanani: “Okay, so there were these three guys and they were all escaped convicts.” Long pause. “Oh wait, they are just regular convicts because they haven’t escaped yet.” Expectant pause. “Okay, so there were these three guys who were convicts and then one day there was an explosion outside that caused a big commotion and they escaped from jail and made a mad dash for the woods.” Scratches head in bewilderment. “Oh wait, I think the explosion actually blew up their jail cell and the guys escaped while everyone was trying to get away from the blast.” Yet another pause. “Darn it. Was it a blast? I think so.” Shrugs shoulders. “Oh nevermind. All the guys escaped and they were running towards the woods.” Laughs uproariously. “Oh shoot. Was it the woods or did they hide in the corn fields first? Urm, that part actually happens later… Should I start again?”

[15 min later]

Kanani: “Isn’t that the best joke you’ve ever heard?”

K: “Okay Kanan, whatever you say.”

M: “Wait, that was a joke?”

D: “You have got to be kidding me.”

Kanani: “So… should I tell it again??”

K/M/D: “NO!!! You are never allowed to tell anymore jokes.”

As you can see, long-winded is somewhat of an understatement. I’ve made a career for myself out of talking, and I used to take great pride in the beauty of carefully crafted words and the shaping of sentences.

No longer.

I don’t want to be known as the girl-who-can’t-keep-her-mouth-shut or the girl-whose-jokes-go-on-forever-and-ever! I’ve been told that it takes at least 21 days to break a habit. Therefore, I am adopting a new mentality. For the next three weeks I am striving to learn the language of silence.

Its been a while since I’ve thought about my favorite all time ‘olelo no’eau, “I ka ‘olelo no ke ola, I ka ‘olelo no ka make.” (In the word there is life, and in the word there is death). With just a single word we have the power to destroy someone’s world, but we also have the power to save someone’s life. In this case I am saving myself.

Despite my best intentions, recently my spoken words seem to have done more harm then good. The only way I can see to rectify this is to choose to speak less words and focus more on THE WORD.

In the book of Exodus the Israelites are pursued by Pharaoh, and it is Moses who encourages the people not to be afraid. His words of wisdom? “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be silent” (Ex 14:14). Right now, I am ready to let the Lord step forward, while I take a step back and spend a little more time listening. I think there is great wisdom in silence, but it is not a language of familiarity for me. The next three weeks will be an adventure… I’ll let you know how it goes!

                                                                 

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“Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3)

Love Does

A few weeks ago I read a book that changed my life. Yes, yes, I know that I tend to lean towards the overdramatic, but I can honestly say that in a time of truly dismal happenstance this book was not only a breath of fresh air, but also an unexpected balm to my slightly broken heart.

It was 15 minutes until closing when I wandered into the bookstore in search of some desperately needed inspiration. High on the corner shelf sat the book with its bright teal cover and multi-colored balloons. LOVE DOES, by Bob Goff. As I stared up at the shelf my heart twitched a little.

“Love?” the internal monologue began with a grimace. “Where was Love when I was slandered by carefully crafted lies and my spirit was left for dead? Where was Love when I lost my job and was displaced by the church I called home? Where was Love when I realized I no longer recognized myself in the mirror?” I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this year, Love had abandoned me.

Another twitch. The title intrigued me, LOVE DOES. I couldn’t help but reach for the book to peruse the summary with a cynical eye. Right below the title sat the words, “Discover a secretly incredible life in an ordinary world.”

I scoffed in disbelief. “There is nothing incredible about my life right now. Love has scorned me.”

As a writer, a small secret part of me still believes that books can talk. Not simply the characters living within the span of their pages, but the actual compilation of bound spines and ornately colored faces. As I struggled to reign in my turbulent thoughts I heard this book call my name, plain and simple. “Kanani.”  So I answered.

I’ve been writing a lot about Love recently, chewing over tough-to-swallow bits of reality and lamenting my traitorous heart. What does it mean when Love is challenged by circumstance? At what point do you stop fighting if you see Love slipping away? How do you fight back if your Love is stolen from you? Where do you turn if the voice of Love is silent in the face of pain, shame and doubt? How do you recover if Love is betrayed by itself?

But even after pondering circumstance after circumstance, I’ve never once made an attempt to define Love.

In his book, Bob Goff shares his belief that, “Love takes action.” Love doesn’t just stop at thoughts or feelings, Love doesn’t posture or delude, Love doesn’t supply empty platitudes or false promises, “it pursues blindly, unflinchingly, and without end.” Simply put, “Love Does.”

This small and simple revelation changed my life.

When I stood in that bookstore and grappled with my own feelings of pain and inadequacy. I forgot that Love is not stationary. My love-quota had been reduced to a pile of dangerously smoldering ashes, and the raging fire of my spirit had finally been doused to the point of darkness.

As I devoured word after word after word of Bob’s “secretly incredible life,” I was reminded of the simple truth I had somehow forgotten. My God IS Love (1 John 4:8). I am loved by a force that is as unyielding as Bob described, by a power so pure and true that it surpasses my understanding and is born anew day after day.

Dear ones, and so are you. In a world that sometimes appears love-less, lonely and lost, you and I are loved by Love daily, (whether we know it or not). And that same Love calls us to action to share that abiding JOY with everyone that our lives touch. Beloved, you have the power to take action and make someone’s ordinary world extraordinary. Because Love doesn’t just sit around feeling sorry for itself. Love doesn’t gossip, Love doesn’t allow itself to get caught up in politics or drama. Love doesn’t just “talk the talk.” 

Simply put, “Love Does.”

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“We love because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

Wayfinding Through the Storm

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain." (Vivian Greene)

Although recently I have found myself overwhelmed by winds and rains that have rivaled hurricanes of epic proportion, my life is slowly coming back into focus through the fog. I am happy to report that since I have been able to partake in the miracle that is sustenance, every facet of my life has improved; my mental clarity, my emotional state, my ability to see the glass half full again, and most importantly, my faith.

I am no stranger to storms. I think about my life at a glance and the poem “Mother to Son,” by Langston Hughes immediately comes to mind. “Life for [her] ain’t been no crystal stair,” but still she encourages her son to push past the tacks, splinters and torn up boards and keep on climbing, even during the times where “there ain’t been no light.”

Some of the lights in my life have gone out. I’ve languished for a few months now trying to determine my course of direction, to no avail. In fact, if I am going to be entirely truthful here, after facing so many trials in my pre-Christ days, this time I figured I would simply wait for the “this too shall pass moment” and ride my newfound faith off into the sunset of happy endings. But as we both know, it doesn’t work like that. In life, you have to make your own happy endings.

Recently, I was blessed to attend a conference where I heard the indigenous keynote speaker give a presentation on professional team building. To give a very short synopsis, he equated team building with canoe paddling, and discussed how every single person in the voyaging canoe has a distinct and valued job. What a dose of perspective! For the people of Oceania, deep sea voyages were the foundation of traditional society. The role of the navigator is invaluable for many reasons, but in the midst of a storm, he or she must be able to navigate without sight, especially when each direction looks as dismal as the next.

In Polynesian culture, to successfully navigate a deep sea voyage, the navigator must always know where they are in relation to Tahiti. The ocean is unpredictable, and many things can happen at sea, but no matter what, you must never lose sight of Tahiti. Even when the way is dark, a master navigator will hold the image of Tahiti in their mind and chart the direction of the canoe on the compass of their na’au (their gut, their heart, and their faith).

For weeks I have floundered at sea, lost in the raging storm that has become my life. I’ve taken some hits, I’ve hunkered down, and I’ve wallowed long enough. I think it is finally time for me to fix my eyes once again on Tahiti and set out for shore. Will you journey with me in my canoe?

When a crew makes ready for a long voyage it is critical that each member of the team supports the purpose and mission of the journey. Sometimes there are people who desire to be a member of the crew, but they are not willing to uphold the vision of the navigator. Traditionally, those individuals are released with the words, “This canoe is not for you.”

How many times have we found ourselves in a canoe that was not meant for us? I’ve been so desperate to get into someone else’s canoe, so desperate for a chance to prove myself, a chance to be loved, a chance to be a part of something great… that I neglected my own canoe. My own heart. My own vision. I allowed the enemy to take the helm and trapped in my own fear, I lost sight of Tahiti.

For a long time, I filled my canoe with people who wanted me not for who I was as a person, but for what I could do for them. I believed that if I worked hard enough I could steer the canoe, set the pace, call the strokes, AND find Tahiti. (All without compromising the integrity of my heart.) I realize now, (as much as it pains me to admit it), that I can’t do it all. And really, I don’t have to! It’s time to re-group, re-calculate, and ensure that everyone paddling in my canoe has a clear understanding of the vision.

Where does faith fit into my journey? Just as Tahiti can stand as a metaphor for the mythical land of origins, Kahiki, to me Tahiti symbolizes the center of my faith, Jesus Christ. I am navigating this canoe with the vision of deepening my faith, seeking a closer relationship with God and attempting to be more like Him in the midst of trial and tribulation.

Not gonna lie, its been tough. With my eyes open all I can see are the clouds that obscure my view of the path, and recently its felt like night every day (without the stars). But after weeks of darkness, I finally understand that if I close my eyes and rely on the compass of my heart, my faith is a brightly burning beacon before me. And just like that, I can see Tahiti again! Finally, after months of wandering, I know my direction.

Thank you for journeying with me!

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 “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)

Living Again: Cultivating an Appetite for Life

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us" (Joseph Campbell)

Dear friends and family, as many of you know, the past two months have been Hell for me in every sense of the word. I’ve tried my best to remain cool, calm, and collected in the face of turmoil, confident and secure in the face of weakness, and above all, positive in the face of despair.

But I have failed. Miserably and completely.

Somewhere in the overwhelming shuffle of life I have lost myself. I don’t recognize the girl staring back at me in the mirror with haunted, lifeless eyes. She trembles at the slightest twitch in her direction, and cowers from the flicker of her own shadow. Her fear disgusts me.

I used to be known for my walk. At nearly 6ft tall with a love for red power suits and 4in platform heels, I tend to make a striking impression upon entering a room. It took me years to feel comfortable in my own skin, but settling into myself ultimately meant understanding, accepting and celebrating that no matter how hard I tried to be “just like everyone else,” I would always stand out in a crowd.

At age 7 my classmates and I did a school project on our future careers. The other kids proudly got up and showed pictures of firemen, doctors, nurses, astronauts and policemen. When it was my turn I stood up and told my class that I couldn’t decide between becoming the President of the United States or the first female Knight of the 21^st century. (I’m pretty sure my parents were contacted…)

But my voracious appetite for life wasn’t something that I grew out of with age (although some people tried to beat it out of me). The harder things got, and the more times I got hit, the more motivated I was to grit my teeth and get back into the ring. In my book, the only way to lose a fight was to CHOOSE not to get back up. And losing was simply NOT an option for me.

JOY used to exude from confident postures and bright smiles and fill the room with warmth. These days I find myself attempting to fade into the upholstery, shrinking my too-big heart, my too-big personality, and my too-big pain into a fearful shadow of myself.

Help.

Just 4 weeks ago we celebrated Easter, the season of New Beginnings. Easter has always marked a season of JOY in my life, starting with the secular Easter egg hunts, egg decorating, chocolate bunnies, etc. and culminating with the faith-based assurance of my own eternal salvation.

This year I lost my JOY. Somewhere between resigning from my job and being displaced from the safety of my home church I allowed the Enemy to turn a possible New Beginning into a dismal end. I turned tail and hid my face with shame, and I stopped celebrating my favorite holiday of the season. I gave in to fear and I stopped celebrating LIFE.

How did I get here?

Just hours after I finished rejoicing in Easter with my family and friends, my body followed through on what my heart has been fighting since February 26^th when this whole mess started. It shut down. And when I say ‘shut down,’ I mean, shut down, cease to function, completely throw in the towel, refuse to work, go on strike, protest. For 2 weeks I was bed-ridden with the worst case of food poisoning I’ve ever had. I wasn’t able to keep anything down for longer than 30 mins, and I literally thought I was dying.

After realizing that I didn’t have a 24hr, 48hr, or 72hr bug, I began researching. 1 week passed and I had already diagnosed myself with norovirus, ulcers, e-coli, salmonella, and a plethora of other terrible afflictions. 2 weeks passed and I forced myself to re-enter the world of the living, but unfortunately I still couldn’t keep any food down. 3 weeks passed and the best I could stomach was a few cubes of plain chicken and a piece of toast (if I was lucky). 4 weeks passed and by then I had lost a total of 28lbs.

My body is starving, and so is my heart. As I start week 5, I find that I am no longer hungry. Not for food, and not for life. God has laid before me an all-you-can-eat buffet of blessings and new beginnings, a new job and a rest from ministry, new friends and community, and new inspiration for my novel. BUT, my appetite for life has diminished to the point where I am standing at the end of His heavenly buffet line holding an empty plate.

Last night I was prayed over for the first time by some friends, old and new. Their prayers inspired this blog entry. It was extremely uncomfortable for me to be surrounded by a group of people who I had only just met last week, and I was so terrified at the prospect of this prayer that I was literally paralyzed by my own fear. I wanted to whimper “please don’t touch me,” and run for the hills. But a friend that I trust was asking me to take a leap of faith, surrender to God’s grace, and accept the love and support they were offering. So I poured out my heart to a roomful of strangers and wept as they spoke words of life over my wounded soul. I like to think that this act of trust was my first taste at the “new-beginnings buffet table.”

The life I have now isn’t the life I planned for. The woman who I am right now is not the woman I want to be. The things that have cracked my heart in two are not the things I want to dream about. But I have a responsibility to God, to myself, and to the people I love, to start living again. I have to CHOOSE to get up and get back into the ring. And so do you. Beloved, I don’t have much wisdom to pass on at this moment but I do know this. If your JOY has been stolen by the Enemy, if you are standing in front of God’s buffet table and your plate is empty, if your heart is broken and you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror anymore… You have the power to CHOOSE to live again! I believe that once we make that choice, maybe our appetites for food, and for life will be restored.

                                                                                      

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“Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me shall never hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” (John 6:35)