Speak Life

"If you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life
believing that it is stupid." (Albert Einstein)

As a writer, I tend to memorize scenery in case I ever need to write about it later. I used to taste the world in descriptive sentences and walk around with a thesaurus running on autopilot in my head. Leaves didn’t just shake in the wind, they danced, twisting and turning like circus acrobats. Raindrops didn’t just fall, they shivered down from the sky in silent wet sheets and pooled like glass on sodden concrete. My past English teachers (Hi Mr. O!) used to tell me that I was too far in left field, too out there, and far too dramatic. Some of them even told me that I would never be a “real” writer unless I packed myself back up into the little square box that the rest of the world lived in.

Sometimes I would daydream in class, imagining myself slicing off fingers and toes like Cinderella’s evil step-sisters, attempting unsuccessfully to squeeze into someone else’s glass slipper. Even if I folded myself into piece upon piece upon piece and crawled willingly into the box, the next time I was brave enough to climb into the light I am certain that I would find myself unable to shake out the creases from my paper-thin silhouette. In fact, I might even fade away in that very same box until a curious soul was brave enough to peal back the cardboard. He or she would notice the SOS that I had carved into cold craven corners when I realized that I had lost the will to move up toward the light. Fitting myself into the box of another has never been enough for me, and I doubt it ever will. I vowed long ago that never again would I make myself small, not for anyone. But I did.

I never used to allow myself to believe in all of the negative, belittling words that were released in my direction. Sure, I experienced critique about my writing, but in my eyes, it didn’t matter because I was never writing for anyone else. I was writing for ME. What’s changed? Somewhere along the way I have become the fish that was judged on its ability to climb a tree. I have failed because I was built for the open ocean, and I have been trying to cram myself into that metaphorical box and make myself small. The words of others are killing me slowly and softly... because I let them.

What about my words?

My new 2014 mantra (as many of you know by now), is embracing self acceptance. As I push myself to pen page upon page of fiction I can see my novel grow to completion, but I am growing also. I want to inspire in others the confidence to be whoever they were created to be! I want to be completely unapologetic about the truth that I serve up on this not-so-silver platter.

And most importantly,

I want my words to mean something. Even if I end up with only two followers (Hi Mo!), I’ve decided that writing means more to me than pretty fonts and fancy layouts. I don’t want to sugarcoat life, I want to celebrate it in all of its ups and downs and roadblocks! To me writing is a way to honor all of those people in my life who have paved my streets with gold, even when I didn’t think there was anything golden left for me.

Now is the time for battle. The only way to fight those evil words that root their way into our hearts and crouch there waiting for momentary weakness is to fight back. Speak words of LIFE. Not only to yourself, but also to the people around you.

My friend Daphne is a beautiful woman, but it’s her heart that I appreciate most of all. She works in an office that caters to people of all shapes and sizes and welcomes those from each and every walk of life. Not a day goes by when she doesn’t greet visitors with a smile and a “Hey Beautiful,” “Hi pretty lady,” or a “How are you lovely?” Wow, you should see the way peoples faces light up! Daphne’s words of life cut past the negativity over what we see in the mirror and identifies the beautiful state of our hearts. Can you imagine living through an entire day without receiving a single word of kindness? 

Christian singer and songwriter TobyMac recently released a song called, “Speak Life.” The lyrics say it all, “Though it’s crazy, amazing. We can turn a heart with the words we say. Mountains crumble with every syllable. Hope can live or die.” Beloved, you and I have the power to change hearts with a simple word of kindness. Don’t forget to honor yourself with life-giving words, and take the time to recognize the gifts of others. Think about the words you speak before you say them, and lift-up those around you with words of hope, inspiration, beauty and love. In the word there is LIFE, and in the word there is DEATH.

Let's Speak Life instead.

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“For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matthew 12:37)

The Language of Friendship

"Every artist dips his brush into his own soul, and paints
his own nature into his pictures." (Henry Ward Beecher)

I have FINALLY finished a painting! After approximately fourteen years I have completed the painting that I have struggled to complete since the day we found out that I was skilled with a paintbrush. This painting (see left) is not my usual sunrise, sunset, palm-tree extravaganza and it doesn’t have the reds, pinks, oranges, and yellows that I love. But I feel accomplished because my best friend and sister is now the proud recipient of this 2014 Kanani original.

I’ve done a lot of paintings over the course of my lifetime. The first painting I ever sold was for the overwhelming fee of $100.00, as a freshman in High School. I can’t say that the commission I generated was quite worth the expense at the time, but I was never prouder than the moment when I exchanged that twine-wrapped canvas for five crisp twenties. Thank you Mr. C for being my very first patron! In retrospect, it was my first lesson on the value of hard work, and I’ve never forgotten it!

But back to Katie... Katie has been with me since the very beginning. We met at a Pokemon trading card session (remember those?) where each of us attempted to swindle the other in a trade, and from 4^th grade forward we were best friends. There is a tennis picture floating around somewhere (although we both try to deny it), and this snapshot of our childhood pretty much sums up our relationship in a nutshell. Katie and her high-waisted, belted uniform shorts and tucked in shirt stands next to me beaming while she holds her racquet with pride. I am sporting bright red coke-bottle glasses, braces, a pleated skirt that nearly extends to my ankles and high-cut athletic socks, and the smile on my face is equally wide. I smile every single time this photo reappears.

However, despite our love for one another and our 15 year long friendship, I have never made Katie a painting.

It was Katie herself that has been hounding me about this for the past 3 years consecutively. “Everyone else has one, where’s mine?” Seems to be the common theme. But as I tried to explain to her (albeit rather unsuccessfully), it’s different with her. She knows me in ways other people can only pretend to, and we often joke that she “lives in my head,” and vice versa. But what I couldn’t explain, was that I wanted her to have the best I could provide, not a cheap imitation. Unfortunately, at the rate I was moving... my “best,” might not have been produced until her wedding day, or another equally auspicious occasion many years down the road.

Finally completing this painting for Katie has opened my eyes to a lesson that is now abundantly clear. She is right more often than I like to admit (and will most assuredly deny it if asked), but in this case I am reminded that we often neglect those that we love the most. Even with the very best of intentions, even if it’s just in the little things, we allow ourselves to be diverted by the business of work schedules, extra-curriculars, appointments, luncheons, business meetings, politics, and aspirations for the future.

Dear ones, today I would simply remind you to look closely at the people in your lives who have stuck around past the 5 year mark, 10 year mark, 15 year mark, etc. And find a way to honor them for the way they have loved you and lived with you.

Even if it’s “just” an old friend reaching out to you for lunch, or sending you an email checking in, please take the time to call them back and respond with love and grace. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the people you love to have the very best of you, and the best you can give. However, I realize now that sometimes the best gift isn’t perfection, but is simply the best of your heart in the moment, craters, fault-lines and imperfections included.

In conclusion, I know that Ego has a nasty way of coming back to bite us when we think we have covered all of our bases. But in the end, its not about our own ambitions, and who we think we have to step over or go around to get where we think we should be. It’s about the people whose lives we have touched and who have touched us in return, and the people we don’t know who will be waiting for us at the gates of Heaven.

PS- DISCLAIMER: BTW, Please don’t think that poor Katie has been languishing for years without an abundance of gifts and appreciation from me. This painting may have been a long time coming, but regardless of the lesson I’ve learned, I certainly haven’t been derelict in our friendship! ;)

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“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”  (Proverbs 17:17)

The Devil Owns the Fence

"Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence."
(Lemuel K. Washburn)

I didn’t write at all last week. For the first time since I started this project I had much to say and no way to say it. My heart was so full that it felt as though it would explode from my chest at any minute and burst open on the pavement. There was no respite.

Every word that I tried to inscribe felt lifeless and flat. Every sentence seemed dull and fake. I was trapped by my own fears, enslaved by insecurity and the bitterness of old wounds. Have you ever felt this way?

Recently my life has been overwhelmed with one blessing after another. Exciting friendships, celebrations of life, new career options, and Godly beginnings. BUT I’ve learned that this joyful time of peace and happiness is the time when the Enemy is most active. Beloved, guard your hearts against self-doubt and the seeds of darkness that are sowed in the still quiet moments after joyful celebration.

I have finally succumbed.

This underground battle has been raging around me for weeks and I have refused to acknowledge its existence, to take a stand, to pick a side. I have refused to speak out in defense of my own innocence. I have allowed myself to be silenced. The time has come for me to determine how to defend myself against Evil and still maintain my identity and self-worth. My honor is at stake.

Lies. Rumors. Two-faced accusations. Petty whispers behind my back. Childish cat-fights. and more lies. I rebuke you. I refuse to acknowledge the viciousness of your musings and give credence to your claims. I rebuke you again. And again.

The place that was once a sanctuary to me has become a Lion’s den, a living hell, a place of noxious action and cancerous intent. Every. Single. Day. And I am faced with the decision to STAY or GO. My own ego forbids me to kneel before my accusers, but my heart is in submission to a higher power and this obedience demands FIGHT over FLIGHT. I am afraid.

A short parable circulated FB amongst my Christian friends. Jesus was preaching in a field on one side of a fence, while the Devil spoke to followers on the other side. Jesus invited those on His side of the fence to follow Him to their eternal destination and the Devil did the same. Once everyone had departed one man remained behind sitting on the fence in the middle of the field. The Devil returned and said, “There you are! Come with me.” The man looked around and said, “Why? I’m on the fence.” The Devil smiled at the man and replied... “I own the fence.”

I cannot straddle the fence any longer. I’ve already dedicated my life to Christ, and I accept all of the struggle that has come alongside me. But my question for you my friends is this, “At what point do we cry out to God and say to Him, ‘This is more than I can bear. Please give me a way out so I can stand up under it!’” Because in my eyes. It seems to me like evil is putting up one hell of a fight, and I haven’t even made it into the ring yet.

I feel like God is shouting in my heart “GET OFF THE FENCE KANANI!” And this is the encouragement that I choose to pass along to you. Throughout my prayers in the past few days God has led me to a place where I believe that getting off the fence means standing up for righteousness, speaking the truth amidst deceit, and most importantly, defending MYSELF against the enemy. Though it pains me to say it... some things are black and white.

During times when our own character is under attack we begin to question ourselves. Maybe I did say that? Maybe I should change myself? Maybe they’re right? I was so full of self-doubt that I nearly took myself out of the game before the sound of the first buzzer. Think again Satan. I do not plan to go down that easy!

If I make myself small for them, then they win. If I begin to doubt my own integrity, then they win. When I gave my life to Christ I swore that never again would I kneel for anyone but God Himself. Its time for me to keep that promise.

Beloved, if there is anyone in your life who tries to chase you back onto the fence... Get off and stand your ground! Even if I am beaten at every round this week, at least I will be able to face my Father in Heaven knowing that I stood up for myself, and for Him. I spoke the truth when it counted, No Illusions.

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“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” (Ephesians 6:10-18)