The Sound of 2am

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between
the notes and curl my back to loneliness." -Maya Angelou

When I was a freshman in college I used to play my guitar until my fingers bled. From the moment I returned to my dorm after classes I became a constant fixture on the E lounge balcony. Friends used to leave handwritten post-it notes like love letters stuck to the bench waiting to welcome my arrival.

My tower of choice looked out over the sidewalk toward Diamond Head and day after day I sat for hours strumming my guitar and getting lost in my own head. From 10 stories above I looked down and watched people walk back and forth between dorms and congregate outside the dinning hall in a climactic movement of skateboards, radios and high-fives.

I watched the sunsets fade into red-pink-orange rays and I counted cracks in the pavement until my throat hurt and the pads of my fingers were so raw it felt like my nerve endings were on fire. There’s something so beautiful about having a passion, loving something so much that sometimes you feel as though the pure joy of it will overtake you and you’ll float away. Singing is like that for me. When I open my mouth I feel like one long magical run-on-sentence is about to emerge and wrap itself around me. I’ve always loved run-on-sentences.

I sing when I’m sad, when I’m mad, when I’m over-the-moon-happy, when I’m bored and when I’m lonely. And sometimes, if I’m very lucky I lose myself in the love of it.

In the past I’ve run so hard and so fast that my lungs burned up all of their oxygen and I simply collapsed on the ground in a sloppy pile of sweat and twisted limbs. But when your world becomes narrow and your only focus is taking a breath, thinking becomes difficult. I used to live for those moments, hiding behind the comfort of my passion.

Have you ever seen a child make herself invisible? Little ones clench their eyes tightly and plaster miniature fingers over closed lids while declaring loudly, “You can’t see me!” If only invisibility was that simple to attain!

Playing my guitar during all of those midnight jam sessions made me feel so fulfilled that I forgot I was still visible to the rest of the world. Just like a child I had deluded myself into thinking that if I sang loud enough, I could drown out the rest of the world so no one could hear me. Boy was I wrong!

It was 2am, and a voice drifted up over the 10^th floor balcony, “Hey... can you play that John Mayer song that you played two nights ago?” I froze. Silence hung in the air between me and the stranger.

“Me?” I yelled down incredulously. Honestly, despite the fact that it was 2am and I was playing on an outside balcony it hadn’t even registered that other people could hear me at all.

“Yeah, you know... Daughters? I love it when you play that one.” They were still down there waiting for a response.

My throat was so dry I could barely speak “Sure.” My heart bounced against my rib cage.

“Awesome! Have a good night.”

I don’t know how I managed it, but I played the requested song and then packed it up and called it a night. I was absolutely floored. People, (living, breathing people) were listening to MY music!!! Panic ensued. I had forgotten that even in our darkest moments we can still be a light to someone else without even knowing it.

This was such an important lesson for me, because I never forgot that no matter how invisible you think you are, there is always someone watching and/or listening.

Our actions are important because what we do and say has the power to change people’s hearts, and that is one of the greatest gifts of all.

I spent the majority of my midnight's that year singing the shameful pain of my own heart into that not-so-empty courtyard, and not realizing that even then I wasn’t as alone as I thought. The same holds true today. My friends, pursue your passions whole-heartedly, and remember that you have the potential to be a light in the darkness.

Even if it means playing until your fingers bleed and singing love songs at 2am. Don’t let your light go out!

*      *      *

“I will incline my ear to a proverb; I will solve my riddle to the music of the lyre.” (Psalm 49:4)

Who Moved My Cheese? (Part III)

 Have you ever read the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?” The summer before I entered the 7^th grade this book appeared on my required reading list and I devoured it in a single sitting. The main characters consisted of two mice, Sniff and Scurry and two small humans named Hem and Haw. All four of them live in a maze where they spend their days searching for cheese. In the story, they come across “Cheese Station C,” and establish their daily routine based on the assumption that the cheese supply will be everlasting. However, one day all four characters arrive to discover that “Cheese Station C” is empty... someone had moved the cheese!

The book uses allegory to explore and question the different ways people adapt to change. Are you willing to seek out new cheese? Or will you allow yourself to be victimized and blame others for your lack of cheese? Ultimately, the message is portrayed that we are the mice in our own mazes spending day after day seeking out the “cheese” of life. We can either take a proactive approach to seek out cheese, or we can give up when the cheese becomes scarce or hard to find.

For some reason, this life lesson on change never really sat well with me. I don’t know about you, but I am not content to live out my life stuck in a maze! Apparently another author agrees with my consensus and he, a Harvard Business School graduate, penned the book, “I Moved Your Cheese: For Those Who Refuse to Live as Mice in Someone Else’s Maze.” I literally had to laugh out loud at his attempt to change a timeless self-help classic into a motivational “take-control-of-your-own-destiny” kind of book. In my eyes, Author #2 ended up fencing himself into the same box as the Author #1. The new breed of mice may break the rules, challenge the limitations and set out to create new realities, but at the end of the day there is still a maze and the mice still seek out cheese.

I jokingly asked some friends, are you “cheese seekers,” or “cheese movers?” But in my head I found myself questioning, what’s the point? What if I don’t want to just run through the metaphorical maze seeking the cheese day after day? What if I honestly don’t care about what the other mice are doing in the maze? Well guess what? If I am not a “cheese seeker,” or a “cheese mover,” then I think I would prefer to BE the CHEESE!

Society teaches us that our value is determined by our identity, our self-worth, our image, our wealth, our religion, our culture, and our families. Success (or in this case the CHEESE) is what determines our happiness and hope for the future... I believe that WE determine our own value. Although all of us have been influenced both positively and negatively by our parents, teachers, mentors, coaches, bosses, co-workers, etc, ultimately we should feel confident enough in our own abilities to give ourselves the credit we deserve.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in humility, I believe in just desserts. But I also believe in self-confidence, and happiness. I believe in being responsible for your own success. Yes, there are those that helped us to get to where we are, but did those individuals write our stories, attend our classes, graduate with our degrees? The answer is an emphatic NO. We did that. We have put in the hours on the treadmill to lose that last stubborn pound, we have pulled all-nighters to finished those 20 page papers that we “meant” to do weeks ago, we have written, we have spoken, we have given up sleep, blood and tears to become who we are today. And we deserve to be able to “own” every bit of that, the good and the bad.

Being the cheese means acknowledging that ultimately, it comes down to us. In those still quiet moments in the maze of life we are not seeking and we are not moving, simply existing as ourselves is enough. Being the cheese means that other mice will come to us. If we are the cheese then we are exhibiting something that makes others look at us walking down the street and say, “wow,” not because we have real-life-Barbie-dimensions, but because we know how to hold our heads up and look people in the eyes with confidence and kindness. Why should we waste our time looking for cheese when we are already everything we were created to be?

When mice seek cheese it is because they are hungry, they are bored or they are unfilled. They seek cheese because they are told that they are built to seek cheese out with insatiable hunger. In their emptiness they find themselves constantly focused on the goal, the cheese, and penned in by the maze that surrounds them. They are so ravenous for something to fulfill the emptiness in them that they forget about what is already inside of them. Like Author #2 said, “The maze is in the mouse!”

Beloved, I wholeheartedly believe that God created each of us in His own perfect image. He has filled my life with such joy that I no longer feel the need to run through any maze seeking cheese. I am fulfilled. Regardless of whether or not you share my belief, my prayer for you is that this year you change your maze-traveling, cheese-seeking mentality. Re-wire your head and your heart until you begin to believe in yourself again. Identify your gifts and fall in love with your own passions... you already have everything you need. As far as I’m concerned:

YOU ARE THE CHEESE!

Such Great Heights

1st Sunrise of 2014 (Pillboxes, Lanikai)

I’m NOT a morning person. No matter what the circumstance I am the girl who wakes up, snoozes her alarm(s), puts her pillow over her head and goes immediately back to sleep. My friends and family can attest to the non-committal morning grunt I usually deliver in greeting, and woe to the unfortunate soul who makes the mistake of waking me up.

My best friend Maureen AKA Mo is my adventure buddy (and by my estimation... a morning person). Day or night she is always ready for a spontaneous journey. She is the first person that I would call if I wanted to visit the center of the earth, pan for gold or stick my flag on the moon. I have been blessed with many friends for many occasions, but I’m pretty sure that none of them are as spontaneous as Mo is.

However, please do not let that fool you... I am NOT spontaneous. The kind way to describe me would be well-organized, well-planned, well-rounded, but the more realistic descriptors include control-freak and anal-retentive. I’m the kind of person who sets aside time and plans to be spontaneous. (And even then, it’s a struggle!)

Recently, I’ve had so much creative juice flowing in-around-through my brain, that I’ve had trouble sleeping.  Last week during a bout of insomnia I texted Mo at midnight to see if she was up for an adventure...

A few hours and 3 cups of coffee later I had written another chapter of my novel and eaten 2^nd dinner at Wailana Coffee House. It was 3:30am. Mo (being the sporty-in-shape-hiking-adventurer that she is) had been trying to get me to go on a hike for weeks, and it seemed that the perfect opportunity had just arrived.

Exhibit A: Mo and Kanani climbing up the Lanikai Pillboxes in the dark at 4:45am

Exhibit B: Kanani sliding down the mountain after slipping on some loose dirt

Exhibit C: After much excitement Mo and Kanani successfully reach the bunker at 6:00am ish and hunker down to watch the sunrise

EPIC REALIZATION: I’ve never really watched a sunrise before. Sure, I’ve seen the sun at 6:30am while stuck in traffic driving to work, but I’ve never actually sat down and watched it creep up over the horizon line. Have you?

This sunrise hike has inspired some serious introspection this week. I’ve decided that I don’t want to be one of those people who go around and tell everyone that I’m trying to make a change in 2014 and then continue to snooze my morning alarm. I feel like I’ve slept straight through the past 5 years. How is it that I have never seen a sunrise? What else am I missing out on?

God has blessed us with so much beauty all around us and I feel like I’ve been missing out on the BIG adventure. I want to WAKE UP! I want to reclaim my child-like faith and enjoy the spontaneity that means trusting in HIM and HIS plan for my life (regardless of how I think or feel).

Please join me in celebrating the fact that each and every morning the sun rises and you and I are still taking a breath! The song “Such Great Heights,” by The Postal Service has a wonderful chorus, [They will see us waving from such great heights "Come down now" they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away "Come down now" but we'll stay.] I am reminded that when we reach fantastical heights and allow ourselves a moment of spontaneity to stop and appreciate the sunrise there will always be people calling us to come back down. Don’t listen to them. Dear ones, you deserve ever single sunrise God has blessed you with, don't give them up for anything!

Here’s a toast to Mo, to my very first sunrise of 2014, and to all of the adventures in my future and yours!

*      *      *

“He is as the light of the morning when the sun rises, A morning without clouds, When the tender grass springs out of the earth, Through sunshine after rain.” (2 Samuel 23:4)

THAT Girl

I can’t remember the last time I stopped to smell the roses. My current job keeps me so busy that most days I leave my house when it's still dark and I return home after the sun has set. People tell me all the time that I’ve “accomplished a lot for my age,” but sometimes I feel as though I’ve really accomplished nothing at all. Do you know the feeling? Sure, I’ve advanced in my career, received my college diploma and written the pre-requisite academic publication, but despite my success I still feel like I used to be so much more.

I used to be the girl that started petitions to “Save the Frogs!” just because it was the right thing to do, the girl who stayed up all night reading classic fantasy epics and Harry Potter fan-fiction all because she wanted to learn how to use a magic wand, the girl who fearlessly faced down bullies, and loved to wear orange trench-coats lined with pink pineapples just because it made people smile. I used to be THAT girl.  

In elementary school I wore red plastic coke-bottle glasses that were the nearly the size of my entire face (no joke). I got braces, put my hair in pig-tails whenever I felt like it, and wore high socks with my shirt tucked in. I was the girl who never cared what anyone thought, as long as she was following her heart, the one who always fought for the underdog and spent hours trying to debate people about moral ambiguity, love, and world peace just for the hell of it. Oh how I miss THAT girl.

These days, I feel accomplished when I wake up early enough to go to the gym for 20 minutes. I pat myself on the back when I remember to pack home lunch so I don’t have to bust out the subway coupons (yet again). If I manage to make the 2hr drive home without drifting off behind the wheel I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I feel like my brain is dripping down the side of my face and pooling in a pathetic puddle on the pavement. Where did THAT girl go?

Since starting this blog and revitalizing my novel I have written more in the past 21 days than in the past few years. I thought it would be a burden of discipline, forcing me to set an alarm and a color-coded time slot on my calendar. But writing this novel is like breathing. It’s like finally getting a breath of fresh air after days without oxygen. I feel like a furled bud opening for the first taste of sunlight after a heavy rain. 

When I was THAT girl, I understood that anything is possible if you are willing to work hard enough, and my belief in myself was unshakeable. But I am no longer THAT girl.

Beloved, things have happened to you. Things that have shaken you from your very core and shattered your world in earthquake-like fashion. You have fought in epic battles, and you have been the heroes and heroines of your own novels. The victories have been great, but in some cases the costs have been greater.

The woman I am today is fighting herself. I see-saw between joyful gratitude that I have enough, that I can finally feed my family AND pay the mortgage, and bitter frustration that the world seems a lot smaller than it used to be.

But writing this long-awaited novel has reminded me that THAT girl, with her wide eyed innocence and her voracious appetite for life, love and the pursuit of happiness, she’s still inside of me. I tried to shut her and her unrealistic naiveté out of my head, but the floodgates of my heart have been reopened and she is once again infiltrating my spirit and encouraging me to stop and smell the roses. And boy do they smell good!

God Is Good

There are some days when I wake up singing. I literally fall out of bed with a song on my lips before my brain has even registered that I am awake. This 2014 year has been exciting for me thus far, but amongst my numerous New Year resolutions/goals/bucket-list updates I have vowed to spend more of my mornings with songs of praise and thanksgiving rolling off of my tongue. Believe me, its not nearly as easy as it sounds!

I had breakfast with a friend the other morning and we spoke about the shadows of darkness that have surfaced in our lives throughout the past few years. I am talking about the deep deep darkness that penetrates the quietness of your heart and overtakes your soul with the unforgiving certainty of defeat. We all experience pain and struggle in our lives from time to time, but this darkness is so dark that no matter which direction you turn its impossible to find your way back to the light on your own. I’ve been there, have you?

Beloved, the past five years have been a unique, amazing and heart-wrenching journey for me. Some believers testify that God entered their hearts with a flash of lightning, a swiftly moving trajectory that provided them with an earthly miracle upon which they could fix their faith. I have never been hit by heavenly lightning, I have never seen a burning bush, and I have certainly never heard Gods audible voice rousing me to action.  But what I have experienced has been a life-changing, light-bringing, spirit-saving faith that dragged me kicking and screaming back into the world of the living.

I know that my newfound faith was (and still is) a surprise to many of you, my friends, family, colleagues and classmates. Well allow me to let you in on a little secret.... It was a surprise to me too! I never understood why people would want to rely on a god that would allow bad things to happen to good people. For the majority of my life it was enough for me to simply be my own god, but when I was wallowing in that deep darkness God came to me instead.

  

I don’t have a fancy testimony about how faith grew in my heart. God came quietly and with little fanfare. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that waking up singing is a far cry from wandering around in the darkness, and I owe this miracle to Jesus Christ. This year one of my hanai sisters challenged me to pick a scripture for 2014 and blog about it, and after much deliberation and prayer I decided to pick Psalm 139: 17-18.

“How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.”

Its one thing to simply read the words, but the Word becomes real when you truly allow yourself to believe that God loves us so much that He thinks of us ceaselessly and walks with us every second of every day. How can I ever feel neglected, unloved or unimportant when I am promised a hope and a future, and I serve a God who loves me more than I could ever love myself.

Cultivating An Attitude of Gratitude

This morning I drove into a pot-hole. I woke-up late, was forced to forego a shower (don’t worry I plan to sneak over and shower at my gym during lunch!), and when I finally made it into my car in that post-early-morning-wake-up-daze I sat on my sun glasses and broke them.

That’s right, with the side of my broken lenses poking me in the thigh I knew that today was a morning for coffee. Those of you who are coffee drinkers know exactly what I mean. Despite the ever increasing calorie count and ridiculous prices, there are some situations that can only be improved by an extra large triple shot caramel macchiato and a warm pumpkin scone.

While driving the two blocks to the closest Starbucks (please don’t judge me and my overpriced coffee) all I could think about was how irritated and unhappy I was this morning.

My friends, bad things happen to good people every day. Little things, big things, life-shaking, heart-breaking things... the scale of troubles may vary from person to person, but all of us have woken up on the wrong side of the bed once or twice. I believe that the real problems begin when we waste our days wishing we could go back to sleep.

Today, as I allowed myself to stew in my trivial morning angst I drove straight into a pot-hole that “suddenly” appeared in the middle of the road. One minute I was bemoaning my sad sad state of affairs, and the next my heart was racing with adrenaline as my car swerved and I became uncomfortably aware of my own mortality. It’s amazing how a single shock can jolt us back from our own negativity, and fill us with new perspective. I have since determined that the unassuming, unavoidable pothole was meant for me.

Before I understood the meaning of faith, I wholeheartedly believed that I could justify any action, even self-pity. I think, I know, I believe, I feel... everything was all about ME. But I soon learned that when you are your own accountability partner, there is no accountability. None. Have you ever allowed yourself to wallow in your own mud pit and then gotten stuck down there because you gave yourself a free pass? I sure have. And that’s how I know that unless your heart is challenged by something greater and you drive your car into a metaphorical “ditch,” it takes a heck of a long time to crawl back out!

Have you ever given thanks for the pot-holes in your life?

There is value in the little challenges, waking up late, not getting to shower, and sitting on your sun-glasses, because when we finally drive our cars into a pot-hole it’s those same little struggles that offer us perspective and help us to recognize what really matters.

My pot-hole today was a wake-up call to stop wallowing, greet the day, and give thanks for my life. I challenge you dear hearts to focus on all of the blessings in your life right now instead of getting caught on the wrong side of the bed waiting for the next pot-hole to shock you back to reality, and I promise to do the same!

*      *      *

“Finally, brother, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Philippians 4:8)

What Do You Do When Enough Just Isn't Enough?

They say, (whoever "they" may be), that the grass is always greener on the "other side." But there comes a time in life when we are no longer content to covet our neighbor’s grass from afar. It may start out as you walking your dog a few extra times around the block to check out your neighbor’s landscaping, or dropping by for a dip in that jacuzzi you love so much. But I wouldn't be surprised if you eventually offered to house sit while your neighbor goes on that European cruise you've been praying about... Before you know it you may find yourself dreaming about what its like to actually BE your neighbor... does this sound familiar?

I have a confession: I've coveted that metaphorical grass of my neighbor for so long that in the process I neglected my own back yard. I'm not much of a gardener as it is, but while my eyes were focused beyond the borders of my own fence... the grass at my feet withered and died. Every day my brittle heart grew a little colder, and a little more bitter as I ached and longed to be something that I wasn't and would never be.  One day I woke up choking on a pile of dead weeds and I realized that while I was busy loving and coveting everything about everyone else...

I forgot to love myself.

This year in 2014 ITS TIME TO MAKE A DECISION, we owe it to ourselves to focus on our own backyards. By all means, please spend time with your family and friends, they have helped to build you into the wonderful person you are today! Don’t be afraid to serve. Give yourself in service to your community, your school, your work, your church, and practice humility and gratitude. But in doing so, don't forget yourself. A midst the thousands of voices pulling at you and dragging you in varied directions, you deserve to find time to lay in the sun and water your own grass.

The world is full of people who are just waiting in line to tear us down with words of anger, judgment and bitterness, and I've found that there are too few people waiting in the wings with words of love to build us back up. But sometimes the girl who does the most damage to me... is me. Every time I try to change myself to fit in, to blend in, to look like someone else, I diminish the gifts God has blessed me with.

I have another confession: I killed my own grass.

This year I struggled with New Years Resolutions. After much prayer and contemplation during a post-holiday, pre-New Year’s depressed meltdown I finally decided that all I really wanted to be was enough. I had come up with an extensive list of things (colleges, 10-step plans, gyms, personal-trainers, programs, self-help books, sermons, you-name-it) that was sure to help me reach my goal by this time next year. At the end of 2014, if I followed my plan to the T I would be:

•  A published author, known throughout the USA

•  A lovely, gorgeous, beautiful woman (with the confidence to match) who would turn heads when she enters the room

•  An accomplished artist and musician

•  A respected academic with 1 (or more) legitimate college degrees

•  A well-traveled, well-spoken, well-respected public speaker

•  A professional consultant and historian

I went to bed that night feeling hopeful that I could FINALLY become EVERYTHING that I thought everyone thought/said/wanted me to be so that I would finally be Enough.

But the next morning I looked at the list again and had a revelation: 

I am already all of the things that I wanted to be… I just never took the time to recognize it before.

This year we need to build ourselves back up. I want the grass on my side of the fence to be just as green. Let’s love ourselves more diligently, more often and more publicly! Let’s use positive adjectives to describe our bodies and forgiving words to describe our hearts! This year my prayer for all of us is that we each know without a doubt that we are smart and talented and beautiful and most certainly Enough. All we have to do now is believe it!

*      *      *

“Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God” (2 Corinthians 3:5)